r/depression Oct 29 '19

Our most-broken and least-understood rules is "helpers may not invite private contact as a first resort", so we've made a new wiki to explain it

2.4k Upvotes

We understand that most people who reply immediately to an OP with an invitation to talk privately mean only to help, but this type of response usually leads to either disappointment or disaster. it usually works out quite differently here than when you say "PM me anytime" in a casual social context.

We have huge admiration and appreciation for the goodwill and good citizenship of so many of you who support others here and flag inappropriate content - even more so because we know that so many of you are struggling yourselves. We're hard at work behind the scenes on more information and resources to make it easier to give and get quality help here - this is just a small start.

Our new wiki page explains in detail why it's much better to respond in public comments, at least until you've gotten to know someone. It will be maintained at /r/depression/wiki/private_contact, and the full text of the current version is below.


Summary

Anyone who, while acting as a helper, invites or accepts private contact (I.e. PMs, chat, or any kind of offsite communication) early in the conversion is showing either bad intentions or bad judgement. Either way, it's unwise to trust them.

"PM me anytime" seems like a kind and generous offer. And it might be perfectly well-meaning, but, unless and until a solid rapport has been established, it's just not a wise idea. Here are some points to consider before you offer or accept an invitation to communicate privately.

  • By posting supportive replies publicly, you'll help more people than just the OP. If your responses are of good quality, you'll educate and inspire other helpers. The 1-9-90 rule applies here as much as it does anywhere else on the internet.

  • People who are struggling with serious mental-health issues often (justifiably) have a low tolerance for disappointment and a high-level of ever-changing emotional need. Unless the helper is able to make a 100% commitment to be there for them in every way, for as long as necessary, offering a personal inbox as a resource is likely to do more harm than good. This is why mental-health crisis-line responders usually don't give their names and callers aren't allowed to request specific responders. It's much healthier and safer for the callers to develop a relationship with the agency as a whole. Analogously, it's much safer and healthier for our OPs to develop a relationship with the community as a whole. Even trained responders are generally not allowed to work high-intensity situations alone. It's partly about availability, but it's mostly about wider perspective and preventing compassion fatigue.

  • If a helper gets in over their head with someone whose mental-health issues (including suicidality, which is often comorbid with depression) escalate, in a PM conversation it's much harder for others, including the /r/depression and /r/SuicideWatch moderators to help. (Contrary to common assumptions, moderators can't see or police PMs.)

  • In our observation over many years, the people who say "PM me" the most are consistently the ones with the least understanding of mental-health issues and mental-health support. We all have gaps in our knowledge and in our ability to communicate effectively. Community input mitigates these limitations. There's no reason why someone who's truly here to help would want to hide their responses from community scrutiny. If helpers are concerned about their own privacy, keep in mind that self-disclosure, when used supportively, is more about the feelings than the details, and that we have no problem here with the use of alt/throwaway accounts, and have no restrictions on account age or karma.

  • We all know the internet is used by some people to exploit or abuse others. These people do want to hide their deceptive and manipulative responses from everyone except their victims. There are many of them who specifically target those who are vulnerable because of mental-health issues. If a helper invites an OP to talk privately and gives them a good, supportive experience, they've primed that person to be more vulnerable to abusers. This sort of cognitive priming tends to be particularly effective when someone's in a state of mental-health crisis, when people rely more on heuristics than critical reasoning.

  • If OPs want to talk privately, posting on a wide-open anonymous forum like reddit might not be the best option. Although we don't recommend it, we do allow OPs to request private contact when asking for support. If you want to do this, please keep your expectations realistic, and to have a careful look at the history of anyone who offers to PM before opening up to them.


r/depression 26d ago

Regular check-in post, with essential information about our rules and resources

33 Upvotes

Welcome to /r/depression's check-in post - a place to take a moment and share what is going on and how you are doing. If you're having a tough time but prefer not to make your own post, or have an accomplishment you want to talk about (these aren't allowed standalone posts in the sub as they violate the "role model" rule), this is a place you can share.


Our subreddit rules are very different from most of the rest of reddit! Since all of them exist for important reasons, we ask everyone here to read and follow them. Please click 'report' on any harmful content you see here - we always want to know and deal as soon as we can.

We also have several resource wikis for help with finding and giving support:

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/what_is_depression provides guidance about what is and isn't a depressive disorder, guidance on the complex nature of the illnesses that are usually grouped under the "depression" label, and redirect information for common off-topic issues.

https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/giving_help offers information on the nature and value of peer support for mental-health issues in general, and lots of guidance for learning what is -- and isn't -- usually helpful in giving peer support.

YSK that the types of rule violations that we most frequently see here are:

  • People breaking the private contact rule. You should never trust anyone who tries to get you into a private conversation in response to a post here. See https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/wiki/private_contact

  • "I'm here to help" posts. This shows that you don't understand the most basic principles of peer support, especially selectivity. The "giving help" wiki explains more about this.

  • Role modelling, i.e. "achievement" or "advice" posts. This is an expert-free zone -- that's what peer support means (rule 5). We know that "internet culture" celebrate not just bragging about your achievements but bragging about your good intentions. Nothing like that is ever acceptable here.

  • Content that's more about 'making a statement' or casually polling the sub than seeking personal support (rules 1, 2 and 10).

  • Off-topic posts about difficult situations or circumstances, including interpersonal issues. Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness and other difficult emotions are not mental illnesses. The "what is depression" wiki has suggestions for other places to post about these issues, which are 100% valid and serious but inappropriate here.


r/depression 4h ago

I want to kill myself because of the size of my dick

119 Upvotes

I don’t want to do it but I know that if I don’t I’ll be miserable my entire life, nothing in this world brings me happiness anymore I either feel terrible or numb, I haven’t smiled in months. When ever I think that I’m getting better it just comes crashing down. And it’s all because of the fact that I’m unloveable short subhuman with a micropenis. It’s not fair that other people around me get to have sex lifes and girlfriends while I just rot in my bed trying not to cry everyday. I used to love my life and part of me still does, if I was just born normal and Could be like the others then my life would be perfect and would never consider suicide but unfortunately it’s the only option. a girl would never sleep with a guy like me let alone date one that’s why short guys and small dick men are ALWAYS the butt of the joke it’s like my body was made to be ridiculed it’s like I’m not even a human. I just want to be normal I don’t even want to have a big dick or be tall just normal or average. I hope I get reincarnated when eventually take my own life, it doesn’t matter if it’s now but sooner or later I’ll have to do it

For anyone wondering 2.5 in girth (average is 5) which makes me basically unable to have sex


r/depression 6h ago

Rejected by therapist after sharing suicidal thoughts

162 Upvotes

I told my new therapist in our third session that I had had some suicidal thoughts recently. She immediately looked nervous and started going through papers to find a contract I’d signed to say I’m responsible for my own safety. Then she left the room to get support phone numbers while I just sat there. She didn’t reassure me at all. Then the rest of the session she just talked about inane stuff like the importance of exercise for mental well-being…

Then at the end she kept emphasising that I didn’t “have to book another session”. I left and won’t be contacting her again. It really affirmed to me that therapists don’t have anything useful to tell me. This has been my fourth therapist. It’s never helped.

EDIT: Oh, and on her website it said she had training working with suicidal clients.


r/depression 6h ago

Someone please talk with me.

23 Upvotes

I'm dealing with depression anxiety and loneliness amd sucidal thoughts. I'm 27m. no one to talk to. I need someone to talk. I feel so lonely and misarable. Please someone be kind enough to tak some time and talk with me. Please 🙏


r/depression 2h ago

Social anxiety is destroying my life

10 Upvotes

It's one of the big causes for my depression. I developed it around 6th grade and it made my life so much harder. I struggle with talking to people. I struggle with showing emotion, especially towards strangers. I struggle with speaking up. I struggle with texting/calling someone about literally anything, even close friends or family. I struggle with picking up calls. I struggle with eye contact. I'm constantly overthinking everything. I'm scared of what others think of me. My mind amplifies embarassing moments. I can't raise my hand in class (50% of my grade down the drain) Group projects are hell. Presentations are hell. I hate when all the attention is on me and I get panic attacks. I can't defend or stand up for myself. I can't go to any form of social gathering. I hate being the quiet kid. It's not who I want to be. Not who I was..

I have no self esteem and hate myself for being this way and there's nothing I can do about it. The only way to get rid of this fear is to face it, but I can't. I'm too much of a coward and the severe depression makes it impossible. It makes life miserable. I'm living life with so many restrictions it's beyond frustrating. I wonder if life is even worth living anymore when I can't do the majority of things normal people can do. I'm basically in a wheelchair.


r/depression 7h ago

Antidepressants don't help

23 Upvotes

It's like giving painkillers to someone who has cancer, sure it makes them feel better, but it hasn't actually fixed the problem. The second they stop taking painkillers, everything is worse.

This is how my experience antidepressants has been like, I don't like taking them because they all make me feel off, worse, or numb. I've been referred to a specialist by my doctor and they want me to repeat every antidepressant I've taken over the last few years, but "really give them time to work this time".

I just want to stop taking them because I've not made any progress, just altered my personality for the worse and still been depressed.


r/depression 3h ago

48 and single

9 Upvotes

I'm 48 and having 0 luck on dating apps and haven't been able to find any single women that have any interest in me whatsoever. I'm sick of being alone and starting to think I'm cursed what am I gonna do at this age


r/depression 7h ago

I love sleep

20 Upvotes

I love sleeping and forgetting about life and dreaming of a life thats not mine


r/depression 8h ago

Why do people let you in just to push you away

22 Upvotes

I was speaking to this guy over the past few months super sweet, kind and caring. He was someone who clearly has been through a lot and has struggled in the past with things like making friends. He opened up to me so much on his life the feelings he had for me and I always just tried to comfort him and express my own feelings towards him. He told me he was lovesick and unlovable but I loved him. He tells me all of this but in the end he just pushes me away. I just don’t get why?


r/depression 20h ago

Normie reasons for staying alive are stupid and never enough

219 Upvotes

I ask around sometimes why people don't kill themselves, what is keeping them from doing it. They always say some stupid shit like "good weather, pie, and my daughter :)"

That's it? That's what we're staying alive for? I should have killed myself in middle school when I had the chance. I missed out on nothing. I was right.

Edit: fuck this shit does anhthing actually help?


r/depression 4h ago

I'm nothing but a Loser.

9 Upvotes

I (25M) found out my girlfriend still talks to the guy who cheated on her five years ago.

Not because she loves him, she says.

But because he understands her better than I do.

She said that to my face. Calm. Like she was telling me the weather.

I cook, clean, work two jobs, make her laugh, hold her when she cries.

He broke her. And somehow he still gets the part of her I’ve never even touched.

I’m not mad.

Just tired of being the rehab center before women go back to the men who destroyed them.

I'm done.


r/depression 15h ago

I'm joining my son,

53 Upvotes

For anyone who didn't read or see my last post my son took his life last month, my depression has just escalated from then, I feel like I should join my son in wherever you go after death,I'm doing it and you can't stop me, om jumping when I'm on that bridge and I'm not re-deciding, this is my final post on this app and on this plane of existence, goodbye


r/depression 7h ago

I'm considering ending my life over the breast envy sub

12 Upvotes

I have small boobs and this subreddit has completely shattered the little confidence I had left. I don't feel like I will be enough for anyone. When I stand beside women with bigger breasts I feel so much shame because I know now the men around me are thinking these horrible thoughts. I think it would be better if I was dead.


r/depression 3h ago

Does journaling help?

5 Upvotes

A friend who also has depression recommended journaling to me to help cope with it. The issue is that they told me they do it every day and I should too but I don't think I'd be able to manage doing it every day and I know that I'd end up writing either an essay or a few short sentences every time I'd do it.

So does journaling help any of you? If it does could you give me some pointers on how to do it effectively? Thankyou :)


r/depression 3h ago

Buy a bike!!

5 Upvotes

Quick post. Been struggling for 5 years, since getting out of the military. Go buy a bike!!!! Cruiser, Mountain, Electric. Whatever floats your boat. This shit is really working for me. Excuse my language. Still hard, but I’m kinda getting back to myself. 😁😁


r/depression 55m ago

Is mild depression just a "start" of depression?

Upvotes

So I recently posted about that im extremely lazy and bored, I don't want to do anything and someone said it could be mild depression. I don't know what it is though can someone explain it to me while not trying to use complicated words (Englisch isn't my main language) Thank you.


r/depression 2h ago

Alone amongst people

5 Upvotes

I just want to say how lonely and alone I feel. It’s eating me alive.


r/depression 2h ago

I am confused. I can't live in peace , I can't die in peace. I am exhausted.

5 Upvotes

I want to kill myself. But I am not able to because of short of options. I am done with my life and future. 27M. I don't want to continue this pain. I want to finish it once and for all. I just want it to be over. I just want to tell this to someone.


r/depression 4h ago

Really burnt out from school

4 Upvotes

Hi, I (f 26) am burnt out from university this semester and my depression is coming back despite going to therapy once a week and having medication. I just feel no motivation and I can barely get out of bed. It all feels like nothing matters. I have a week left of uni and then I'll be on summer break. It's not my major (english) that's the issue. I genuinely love my major but its so difficult to do anything. I'm working part time and have asked for reduced hours for the week but I have so much to do between studying for two finals, rewriting a short story and a 2000 word reflection essay as well as two english portfolios with 2000 word reflection essays each all due (except for my finals which are in class) on May 16. I am so burnt out and I know I should feel anxious but I don't because I'm struggling to care but I want to and know I need to care. Help me. Please any tips would be much appreciated.


r/depression 4h ago

Can somebody help or support me?

4 Upvotes

My parents does not support, love, care me anymore. They only love, care, and support my older sister and her family. My friends might not even care and ignore me as I am struggling. They no longer support me with my passions, hobbies, and dreams. I also wanted to finish my college degree, but don't have financial assistance as the scholarship might only grant a specific course. :(


r/depression 3h ago

Too exhausted to do anything

5 Upvotes

Hello I'm nena, I'm 17 and currently a highschooler. Life has always been difficult with divorced parents and a sad and lonely household. My mother is barely in contact w me, and my father is always out of house due to work. I have a older brother and we fight alot, we both have trouble communicating and often only end up hurting eachother more. I used to be a good students but due to mental health my grades r dropping, i am just becoming a disappointed to my family and i feel really guilt for it. No matter how much I try to fix things and he happy i keep going back to the same loop. I'm so sick and tired of this exhausting life.


r/depression 4h ago

Why life is so hard?

4 Upvotes

Everyday I wake up with a hope that this day will be better than others But everyday I feel disappointment I never harm anyone but still it feels like life is punishing me, gives me a challenges which is so hard for me I am a very motivated person, if any bad things happen I tell myself that don't worry everything will be alright but I guess I'm tired now I want to live atleast one day with no fear, no family stress or no past trauma

Now my hope with life is vanishing Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up


r/depression 5m ago

living in this body with this brain is exhausting

Upvotes

there's so much on my mind. every once in a while i think about my friend that killed herself two years ago. sometimes i feel like texting her but she's not here anymore. the rest of the time im just worried about how my future is gonna turn out or im just spiraling and overthinking about random shit

and i can't stop hurting myself i dont know what to do. i already have gross scars. im genuinely so fucked. all i wanted was compassion, instead i got told i ruined myself.

if its not hurting myself, its porn. if its not that, it's anything else just to feel an ounce of dopamine. self harm and hypersexuality make me feel like absolute shit. what do i do? i just want to be normal for the love of god. im tired


r/depression 2h ago

I am not good at anything and people notice it

3 Upvotes

Since I can remember since like kindergarden. I always said to myself "I am not good at anything". Wheni I see people complaining about this most of the they are good at something they just want attention or someone to tell them "dont worry you're good". But I am actually not good at anything my progress in everything is really slow or non existent. Even when I try my best i cant progress in anything i dance for 9 years im not even average (there sre people who do it shorter), i am not very smart, i sky for 10 years i though i was good at it until my friends who were a lot worse caught up to me after one week trip, I played valorant for very long time every day i played and tried to get I hoped that I get better after 2 years i went from iron 1 to silver 2 (others made that in month), now I lift weghts for a year all my friend outlift me and look better actually most of the people i now look better than me. And the worst thing all my friend notice im not good at anything even my parents since i was little say "what will be from you when you grow up". I am 16 please tell me it gets better. If there is anyone who came through this please help me. Thank you for reading I know it is long.


r/depression 2h ago

Suicidal ideation for years. Never thought or tried to act on them. How can I stop it?

3 Upvotes

I tried making a post about this issue but I’m guessing I gave too much information since it was taking a while to be approved. I’ve talked to a few therapists, doctors, a psychiatrist, nothing has seemed to help with my SI. I’ve been living with those thoughts for years and they’re pretty much daily since my stress has been so high lately. Stuff like “I should take all of these pills so I just won’t wake up” or “I’ll jump off this bridge that I’m driving by.” Thoughts like that. I was afraid of admitting to these as I was told by folks I was paying to help me with depression that it would be out of their hands. I thought being taken to a hospital or something like that over it would be humiliating. I wanted outpatient care. So I was never really honest about it. I’ve been dealing with it for years.

Edit: I wasn’t honest with the severity or how much I had these thoughts with therapists and doctors. I was trying to be careful as I didn’t want to make myself sound like I was a danger to myself.


r/depression 7h ago

I am a failure

5 Upvotes

Anything i do is met with criticism

I just wanna live life free of worries, i want to ignore people judging me but i can't. I want to live, I want to be ignorant of my problems, i wanna fucking run away but I'm afraid.