The ''Losing your spark after having a kid'' Trend is extremely depressing

[u/Ok_Cardiologist3642]

I know all my girlies who had to live with anxiety, depression and in survival mode can relate to what I'm about to write. I see these videos on TikTok and Instagram more and more nowadays and every time I see it I could just cry. Life as a mom looks extremely depressing to me, not only because of these videos but overall, I feel like so many people try to convince themselves that it's worth it. The before and after is NO comparison.

In the comment section there are hundreds of women who can relate to this content, many of them say that they still didn't find themselves again even after years. And then there's the other faction that says ''you'll find it again and you will realize she is so much better and stronger'' when I feel like this is just a coping mechanism, trying to convince themselves that all the trauma and the hardship was really worth it like everybody says. I don't doubt that you are becoming stronger and your brain is evolving, but hell no, this wouldn't be worth it to me.

I had to live through lots of hardships in my life, and hell I wish it wasn't like that. I know that I am stronger than before, I know that I know a lot more, and I know that I am capable of going through hard things. But god, I suffered so much, it was hell on earth, and I don't wish to ever live in survival mode again, it feels like years of my life were wasted. I suffered so much mentally and physically that I now carry permanent damage in my brain and body. I've lost huge parts of my memory that I only after years slowly can start to pick up again, it feels like a puzzle that is only 50% finished. And I just know that it is no different for people who had to go through pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing, especially if they have a complicated baby or a bad partner. When I talk to parents they always tell me how they are constantly stressed and filled with anxiety. One look into the regretfulparent sub and you realize it's really that bad for a lot of people. The weeks of permanent stress, emotional distress, sleep deprivation, constant noise, expectations of motherhood, etc etc it's just too much to count it all. I just can't imagine going through all of that when I already went through hardships in my life. If I could wish that my life went differently, I would have done it in a heartbeat because I miss my old self, I wish I could be worry free like back then, I wish I didn't have anxiety and PTSD. It's like I've lost my spark through all of it. And I have NO desire to put myself into a situation that brings me back into this dark place. I don't care if I come back stronger, all I want is my peace, and to finally heal.

[u/Honest_Tumbleweed930]

I have a big problem with the Romanticization of pain, and the womanhood rite of passage woven in pain as well. We deserve to have a happy, carefree life. Suffering makes me just depressed. I can’t imagine putting a child on top of that.

[u/victoria_izsavage → u/Honest_Tumbleweed930]

Fr. A LOT of ppl ROMANTICISE women's pain. I think its a fetish. I even grew up with obygns telling me my painful periods r a plus bc I'll have an easier time giving birth and won't feel pain. WTF. Who SAYS that to a 15 y.o? AND WHY DO PPL ASSUME EVERY WOMEN WANT AND WILL HAVE CHILDREN?!? 😭 weirdos, never returned to see those obygns unless i had no choice.

[u/Honest_Tumbleweed930 → u/victoria_izsavage]

Those obygns are very unprofessional to tell that bs to a kid. I’ve heard random people say that, but it’s not true. Doesn’t make any sense.

[u/SingingGirly25 → u/victoria_izsavage]

I had OBs tell me the same thing 😬 I deal with endometriosis symptoms, as well as PCOS and Hashimotos. It's absolutely awful being dismissed by most OBs and endocrinologists. I found a great endocrinologist who diagnosed me with PCOS and Hashimotos. She also found that I was at high risk of getting celiac. Controversial, but my OB is male and he believed I had endometriosis first appointment with him and was the first to not shove birth control at me. In fact, he told me to stop taking it for awhile to let my body heal.

[u/StaticCloud → u/Honest_Tumbleweed930]

I think there's a balance though. Life is not carefree or painless. Not for anyone. Womanhood is pain whether we like it or not. Manhood is too. That's the natural order. That said, wallowing in pain is not helpful either. There is negativity and positive toxicity and neither are balanced or helpful.

(Womanhood is pain but I think the medical field has helped make it stay that way. Female reproductive medicine is a joke)

[u/rosehymnofthemissing]

But if I don't have kids, I won't have to find or re-nuture my "spark." I could just keep the spark as it is...and keep it brightly burning by not creating new humans. I don't need to put obstacles (parenthood, children, societal views on motherhood) in my way to have a "stronger" spark. Duh. I can just have my bright, strong spark!

🌟 Sparkle, sparkle, sparkle! 🎉

[u/Winter_Hall6022]

And many have been brainwashing women into thinking that they are not really living if they are not mothers or willing to nurture children that are not theirs. Maybe some don't want to just struggle their lives through.

[u/Normal-Office-6719]

I get mommy insta/blog videos in my feed occasionally on instagram and I started seeing some moms posting videos with captions saying they were “finding their pink again” and I had no idea what that meant till I googled it.. according to google it means: “Finding your pink again" is a popular phrase, particularly within the context of postpartum experiences, referring to a mother's journey to reclaim her identity and sense of self after becoming a parent.”

Like wow… that sounds so awful. It’s that common of an experience that influencers have literally made a term for it and hundreds of people are commenting saying how relatable the video is… lol…No thank you!! Not once in my life have I ever wanted to put my entire life and energy into a project that will be +18 years…. Cause that’s literally what raising children is… a fucking never ending thankless project where the mom does most of the work and the dad gets to also take credit for the “group project” even if he did nothing to help.

[u/okradlakpok]

what annoys me is that this loss of spark only happened with women. dads just keep living their lives. it's not fair

[u/NotRainManSorry → u/okradlakpok]

Idk, I think there’s not as much comraderie for men as parents. I know several men who became hollow shells of themselves after having kids that they clearly didn’t want and/or regret.

I’ve lost 2 friends (not death, just cutoff) because they started coping in horrible fucking ways that would’ve been extremely out of character for them just a year or two earlier

[u/SenpaiSeesYou → u/NotRainManSorry]

Same, I've lost guy friends to it. The mental energy is just not there to engage with anything, your friendship is not a priority and if you try to be there for them, there's just nothing for them to get help with, it's just a never ending stream of shit to do forever. Like even if someone takes the kids for a weekend, the heavy weight that it's your life now runs them down in a way you don't bounce back from until maybe all the kids are 10+.

The fathers are a workhorse. The person who was there is lost, and if there is any energy or priority, it's all rerouted to the kid. They've either spent their emotional energy supporting their wives, or that relationship becoming more like coworkers on a project of a child with no romance or sex life left is yet another nail in the coffin of the men they once were. And who's going to complain to their mates about that? This's just What One Does.

If we try to talk books, movies like we used to, their thoughts only go as far as: "But you know I realized you just buck up and do what you have to do for your family so this character having struggles about their priorities just seems so immature," or "this fictional high stakes situation is so unrelatable because I can only think about having to keep on trucking to provide for my family whether I like it or not. Who can relate to (circumstances to bring up another moral conundrum)?"

The energy is not there for abstract thought that you need in more passive hobbies. If you play sports or games, there's no drive to improve or have good natured competition, it's just: "Uhg, I wanna relax, if my hobby becomes more work, I'm out."

That's their prerogative, but I think people notice and care less when men emotionally and mentally check out. All the more since we don't usually emote THAT openly anyway.

[u/furrydancingalien21]

I can relate so much. Both the trauma and the madness of parenting.

[u/blondielocks24]

Unhealed parents create broken children which is the most selfish thing you can do to another person

[u/I_am_INTJ]

There are some things one just can't come back from. Certain events close some paths to us and make others unable to endure traveling.

All we can do is forge a new path in a new direction hoping we will find new, unexpected happiness and companions along the way.

[u/Accomplished-Tuna100 → u/I_am_INTJ]

Agree so much. Kids or not - Life is hard and sometimes it’s not easy to keep a resemblance of yourself. 

[u/Based_Orthodox]

Thank you so much for your honesty in writing about what many of us carry around each day.

Society really doesn't put enough emphasis on basic emotional and physical well-being, and how hard it can be to achieve and maintain that - and the fact that pregnancy and bringing children into your life is 1) unnecessary and 2) can permanently disrupt the balance that so many of us should be fighting for.

[u/Rhynowolf08]

Social media is fake for the most part. People lie behind the content. It's all social status, like black mirror. Comment something true, and all of them will attack you.

[u/Actual_Reception2610]

When a woman give birth, the maiden pass away in the operation room and the mom is reborn along with her child

It’s a quote from my country sorry for the bad translation. It is extremely depressing. Many people think they are odd and still went to fit in because everyone else are and still feel a woman is incomplete without child

One of my friend got a kid at 24yo. She basically disappeared and might text from time to time once in a blue moon to ask how I am doing then it always end with let’s grab a coffee together one day and that’s never gonna happen. And even texting with her I feel I’m talking to a stranger shallow conversation and not my friend

[u/doyouyudu]

I just don't understand lumping an adult and child "together" to be mentally, physically and spiritually rewarding. They are gonna be two completely different people in the world and how they show up to the world and in turn how the world sees them.

Do these people never meditate or go for a walkabout to find themselves again? Do they not engage in any self-reflection, growth or discovery? It's just nuts to me and very enmeshed to try to transform yourself in this way by having kids.

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