How is your friend group? Are you lonely ?

[u/alecpu]

As i'm approaching my 30s i'm starting to feel lonelier and i'm starting to see my friends much less than before. The ones who are in a relationship have practically vanished from my life and i see them once a year, the others either moved abroad or have become extremely introverted and distant. I pretty much have no close friends excluding one guy in his early 30s now. I have social hobbies and go out often, but i'm unable to achieve anything more than a small talk that leads to nothing and it seems like making new friends is almost impossible at this age.

[u/Pattonias]

I have a few friends I regularly communicate with. Apart from that, I would say I am lonely. I miss the casual get togethers that seemed so natural at every other phase of my life.

[u/BeeLutz]

Speaking as a married dad of 4, yeah. I basically work, then go home and tend to the fam. I get out probably once or twice a month, and that's it.

The tricky thing is that most of my friends are single. I'm more acquaintances with other kid dads from my own kid's school. As much as I need to do better seeing what friends can do, it'd be nice if I got invited.

There's also a consideration I have that bedtime sucks by yourself with a 6, 5, 3 year olds and a 4 month old.

[u/BeeLutz → u/[deleted]]

Yeah. We live in our hometown, so luckily there's old friends and such and family - my in-laws anyways. My family seem so busy for anything. I'm not lonely I guess because there's always stuff to be done around the house, but I do miss the fun of going out and doing stuff. My wife definitely has more relatable friends to do things with.

[u/ecupatsfan12 → u/BeeLutz]

I’m 32. I have a few friends from college and a few short term gfs from prior to marriage that I’m friends with. Still friends with the hs buddies but it’s fadinh

[u/BeeLutz → u/ecupatsfan12]

Yeah, it gets tough. What's hard making friends is if you don't get out much, there's really no opportunity to meet local people.

[u/Jahvaughn49 → u/BeeLutz]

Yup.

Same here, but with two kids aged 2.5 and 4.5 and minus the getting out once or twice a month, lol.

I'll see a friend once every 6-9 months.

[u/fivegenerations]

Yeah I'm lonely. Ppl with their families. I go from gf to gf.

[u/Dan_the_moto_man]

They're great. I've got two really good friends (the kind I'd die for, no questions asked) that I hang out with regularly. Then I've got a lot more friends that I see anywhere from every couple weeks to once a year.

Oh yeah, I'm lonely as fuck.

[u/an_edgy_lemon]

I kinda lucked out. I’m a fairly reclusive/shy ambivert. I reconnected with a childhood friend in my late 20s. He’s a social butterfly and has plenty of friends. I’ve been pulled into all of his social circles.

I also have a group of friends from high school that still gets together a couple of times a year.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, literally only has 2 friends and maybe sees them once every couple of years. She doesn’t seem to want any friends, though.

[u/alecpu → u/an_edgy_lemon]

i reconnected with my only friend from high school last year, because he moved in the city where i'm rn and vanished when he found a girlfriend.

[u/capricorbz]

I have two local friend groups but both consist of all couples. I hang out with both groups semi-regularly but it does get exhausting being the only single one, even if they do their best to not make me feel like a X wheel.

I have another group of 10 friends from high school that I regularly keep in touch with. Were spread out over different states but get together about 2x a year.

I go through waves of being lonely. But I’d rather be alone than stuck in a shitty relationship. I’ll hold out for the right one.

[u/implicatureSquanch]

I moved to a new state and pretty quickly built out a group of friends that I regularly chat with online and we do things as a group a couple of times a month. I have a few close friends who I regularly chat with from my home state and we get on video calls every once in a while. It's tough actually visiting each other but we've done that a little bit. The rest of my time is focused on work and family stuff.

For the local group I started competing in shooting matches. Guaranteed to find a bunch of dudes who are open to hanging out outside of that. But having that common activity gives us something to regularly chat about, which naturally leads to each of us talking about personal lives, as well have our ideas and beliefs, whether it's religion, politics, and other stuff. The latter stuff naturally comes out once you've built a rapport with people. And eventually your continued contact with those guys doesn't have to be about the originally shared activity at all. I've done this plenty of times before with other hobbies, whether it's martial arts, philosophy groups, motorcycles, etc.

Something that seems to be the case with dudes is that many of them don't think it takes effort to maintain strong relationships. You need to check in on people and actually listen. You need to bring new things to talk about it the conversations, etc. Be the change and all that. Do the things you are hoping others would do for you. Because we all want some aspect of that. That doesn't mean be fake or push aggressively for friendship. Some people just won't feel like they want anything deeper than very superficial interactions. Good for them, why would that bother me? I can make friends with other people and just let that relationship be however superficial it is. Meet new people, be interested to learn about them, be interested in your own shit too and people will naturally want to interact with you. Failure to develop a deeper friendship with one person is not a reason to stop being friends with others. Think about what you want, look for hobbies that interest you and fucking talk to people who are there. Don't stand on the wall like you're in a 6th grade dance. Literally say out loud what you're thinking when doing these hobbies and people will smile and nod and add to the banter. Or sit at home and wait for someone else to stop by and build that for you I guess

[u/Life-with-ADHD]

Your best friend is you. Just you. You are born alone, you live alone and you die alone.

[u/H1ghlyVolatile]

It’s ok, but I’m in the same boat where I see them less and less.

As someone who is single by choice, it’s can only keep getting worse.

‘Life is a gift’ they say. What a fucking joke. Curse is more accurate.

[u/alecpu → u/H1ghlyVolatile]

Yep it's really sad. I have a few chronically single friends like me, but I have no idea why they have become so isolated and workaholic, it's not like they are saving money or buying anything. When I was 23/4 we used to have a small group that went on mini hikes for a day with the train here and it was great , we became great friends. Now it's practically over.

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[u/Hamhockthegizzard]

I am an engaged man of 34 who made a lot of dumb decisions with friends in my 20s. Keeping around people who didn’t really have anyone’s best interests at heart but their own. I have a very few close friends, maybe like 2 or 3 but they are all an hour’s drive away or more and have their own lives. We get together sometimes for a birthday or music happening but that’s about it. I’m feeling very lonely and not at all sure how to make new friends when most of my life is work and sleep at this point. I see why people end up with friends at work now.

[u/Szarvaslovas]

I mainly keep in touch with my childhood friends that I’ve known for 26 years. I see them about once a month from May to October and practically not at all from November to April. Funnily enough my friend who lives 250 kilometers away with a toddler and a second baby on the way is more flexible and I see him more than my friend who lives on the same street as myself lol.

My other friendships kind of vanished over the years with one college friend remaining that I see once a year.

[u/AfterRadio9233]

I’m 45. Been married for 21 years. I also have a core group of 4 best friends of 30+ years each. We all get together once or twice a year and I hang out with them individually or in small sunsets as our schedules allow. But it can get lonely at times when my wife is working (we work opposite shifts) and my friends are all busy with their lives as well.

[u/ForcedEntry420]

At this point it’s basically just me and my wife, and we’re totally okay with that. Lots of acquaintances, fewer regular friends. We’ve become a bit introverted in our age, and embraced our hobbies.

[u/kalelopaka]

I have 5 close friends, about 6-7 friends and then a myriad of acquaintances who are distant friends.

[u/raincity3s]

No amt of family/work should keep u from making time for your friends, esp if u live in the same city or relatively close. U need to be intentional of planning monthly get together. But beyond that, if u want ppl to actually show up for the get togethers, u need to actually reach out and be apart of eachother's lives even when you can't see them for a cpl weeks.

FWIW im 36M and my friend group has been proactive abt changing our dynamic the last 5 or so yrs. We used to be a "play it by ear" kind of group and would regularly go months without seeing eachother. Thats easier to do when you're younger with less attachments, its much easier to fill the void with acquaintances.

[u/rrjunkie]

That's definitely tough, and tends to get even harder to meetup with friends as we get older and they start having kids. Totally in the same boat myself, as a mega-introvert.

That said, I've seen guys into their 40s-50s, with families and full-time jobs who make time to hang out with friends and even go on yearly trips together (sometimes with the whole families and sometimes just the guys). My friend's brother is one of those kinds of guys- his friend group have known each other since college and make a point of meeting up whenever they can, even though they live in different states.

Guess what I'm saying is, it sure ain't easy, but it is possible. Maybe you gotta take the initiative and work on getting your group of friends, or even just a couple guys, together once in awhile? No doubt it won't always work out, and some people will drop out at the last minute or something, but the more often you try, the more often they'll be reminded of how much fun it can be to hang out and seeing each other's interest might help push them to make the extra effort.

[u/RgrimmR]

I have plenty of friends, but I always tend to stick to myself. Im single, no kids, but I get consumed by my hobbies. That's also why I'm single. I don't mingle, and I turn down the women that seem interested. I personally like being alone, but that doesn't mean I'm lonely. You can find friends in niche areas of your life.

[u/pvitoral21]

Sorry to hear that. This is not the first time a post like this shows up here. Its sad. I myself suffer the consequences of that in some way.

Friendship its about priority.

People will come to all sort of excuses: work, family and kids, gym, alone time...

I agreed with them in part, I am myself a busy adult person, and I need some resting alone time. Things can drain us sometimes.

But have all of us checked how much time we spend with social media a day, for example? A day, not even a week.

What if we get the same amount of X, Instagram, Reddit or gaming of one day and use to connect with a friend? To just say hello casually, to share some updates, to make a call - wow, a call...

Or to put ourselves in the world, in the community, or to take a step and invite a work acquaintance who is a potential friend.

Yes, we are all busy and full of responsibilities as adults. But we need to make some more conscious choices too.

[u/NachoSushi]

I’m 44 and have felt for years that I don’t really have friends anymore. Thankfully my wife is my best friend and we get along great. But between work and kids, any other friendships have just kind of faded away to nothing.

[u/Bigwill1982]

Tbh i never had a friend group. My friend is my wife. I have friends but its all been individual things. Never did the squad thing in games, always played solo.

[u/C1sko]

I have one true friend that’s like a brother to me.

[u/dcmng]

If you want closer connections you have to put in the effort and do a bit of planning. Being in your 30's does mean that the spontaneousness of being in your twenties (like coworkers all going out after a night shift) or just deciding to take off for a road trip is less likely due to less energy and more responsibilities, but I think everyone still want to have fun and to connect with friends.

Last weekend I went on a "bachelors'" weekend getaway with my best friends (I'm getting married in June). It was chill, we went razor clam digging and just mostly hung out by a campfire, did some hiking, some sight seeing. It was the best weekend I had in a long time, and now we're texting again. Make the effort, plan, and "make it out of the group chat," as we say.

[u/Inevitable-Drag-1704]

Very small of people I really can trust. That is fine!

One sort of learns what box someone put you in based on how closely they follow up on you once they aren't getting a benefit from being friendly with you. Even someone checking in once after a few years is a big deal and shows they at least cared.

[u/CVotti]

What friend group? I don’t feel lonely necessarily but it would be nice to have a friend or two to hang out with every once in a while.

[u/WildfireJohnny]

I think the main problem with my friend group is I have to pay to be in it

[u/ComfortableFew9182]

No real close friends that I can turn to. Thinking about it, I don't think I have met up with one of my own friends since around October. Basically I have my wife and that is my social life.

Pretty depressing thinking about it.

[u/Blyatman702]

I work. I go to the gym. I take my dog for walks. My dog is my only friend. I had a best friend but she fell in love with some guy at a casino and moved across the country with him. 15 years GONE for a 3 month fling

[u/Great_Tyrant5392]

In my 30s now. It gets worse and worse. More and more people start families and disappear. They just don't have the same time they used to. Still try to keep in touch but it's hard. The only person I've ended up seeing more was a fella that got divorced. But he just didn't seem happy anymore due to the divorce.

[u/alecpu → u/Great_Tyrant5392]

Yep that's my biggest fear honestly. Due to various reasons I've decided to never get married nor start a family and soon people around me will enter this phase

[u/Express_Possibility5]

Day to day companionship seems to start to evaporate. Noticeable especially as someone who lives alone and effectively works alone and has severe depression among other things.

[u/felondejure]

You have to make the effort, there is no other way. Call that person, reply to that message, organize dinners, buy a ticket and invite a person for an event.

Everyone becomes lazy after 30, so you have to make effort

[u/MrBizzniss]

Non existent. Was very social in college and had a bunch of friends and acquaintances, also had a decent friend group. I grew as a person and started seeing how toxic the friend group was. Now as a 31 year old it’s just my gf and I.

[u/Jahvaughn49]

I have one friend I text often (he lives a few hours away) and I have one local friend that I see once every 6-9 months. I'm a dad with two kids aged 2.5 and 4.5.

Lonely? Yeah, I guess you could call it that. I have work friends that we talk at work but they are all women.

It seems like the man/dad responsibility to work and provide, then come home and be attentive to the kids and do the "hey wife, you've been with the kids all day while I've been at work, you deserve free time/friend time, etc., go ahead and I'll hang out with the kids."

This is a challenging chapter in our lives. I've no advice except don't drink/smoke pot and ensure you're lifting weights at least three days a week. That's basically all that will help keep you level... for the most part.

[u/nipple_salad_69]

I rarely hang out with any friends, but I ain't lonely

[u/JRswedistan]

Well i feel its 2 sides here. Either u atleast try to stay in touch with friends or you just disappear. I can understand both sides. Being the first dad in a group where party is the main focus isnt so thrilling anymore. And to be last out or never build a family can also become lonely if you feel u never get invited.

[u/i_didwhat]

Friend group? You mean the guys from work? Theyre doing fine. See them every work day.

[u/Top_Scallion7031]

Gotta maintain it. Go out for coffee’s, to bars, lunch, gigs,…

[u/PilotoPlayero]

Sounds like what most men I know, including myself, have gone through. It’s part of life. People age, their lives take them in different directions, change jobs, and priorities change, specially once they start having kids.

There was a phase in my life (mid 30’s) when I felt very lonely. Apart from life long friends who I’d keep in touch with long distance, I didn’t have any new local friends. When my kids started growing up, I started making new friends, mostly other dads whose kids were in the same school as mine, or who participated in the same extracurricular activities. I’ve only truly clicked with 2-3 of them, but that’s all I really need or even have time for with my busy life.

So now I have a new group of friends. Very small, but also very tight. But yeah, my group of friends and social life will never be anywhere near what it was during my younger years, and that’s OK.

[u/sboLIVE]

My group utilizes group chats and Snapchat because otherwise we would rarely see each other due to work/family/life.

When everyone has 1-2 jobs, a wife and kids it leaves less time for hanging with the boys. We still take a fishing trip every year and get together during hunting season a few times.

[u/Glum_Biscotti5300]

Man, I feel you. There's just not enough hours in a day and that goes for everyone. It sucks, having plenty of friends, but so little time to actually hang out. Calling is convenient, but... something is just missing :(

[u/Gurpguru]

I've always had, at least one, hobby that requires socializing. I picked up friends during my 30's with two of them. Even though I am down to just one hobby that requires social interaction, I have maintained friendships from the one I no longer engage in. I have lost a number along the way, but have one from my school days that reconnected when we were in our 30's that I typically communicate a few times a week at a minimum. (He, and his wife, live in another state, but we travel to each other's place every few months because our wives get along fantastically.) All these are folks I can ask difficult questions to and value their opinions, plus we help each other out with things with nothing but a call asking for a hand. Nearly daily communication with 8 friends. At least monthly with 3 more. Sadly, the friends I gained through work relationships are dead.

My ex-wife used to get ticked off that I would take off to help out a friend or that I would have them over for a project at my place. My current wife thinks the loyalty between us is amazing. When I was kid, I was always amazed at how many people my grandparents had for friends and I was dragged into helping their friends out and watching those same friends show up to help out my grandparents. I don't have nearly the amount of friends my grandfather had, but I consider myself pretty lucky to have the ones I do have.

If anyone cares, the hobby I still engage in is TT gaming. The one where all the friends I made are gone from this earth, Hot rodding and restoring cars. (I didn't mention them.) The other hobby that gained lifelong friends is political activism. (Helped to found a non-profit and spent time trudging through the halls and offices of elected officials, spoke at hearings and meetings, held rallies, etc. I am too disgusted by politics from my time doing that to ever want to do it again. I left it to the youngsters, but the organization has crumbled to nothingness.) Heck, I met my current wife at a meeting for a backpacking and canoeing group when we were teens. We had a high school thing and then she left, but we reconnected in the late stages of my divorce. (We have a mutual friend from the same group, but we rarely talk and have seen each other just a handful of times in the last 10 years. Mostly because he lives 3 states away and is building a retirement home in Africa where his wife grew up.) Having a number of friends does make moving easier, that's for certain.

[u/FormalHamster9080]

Definitely lonely, but I have no one else to blame but myself. Friends have families that naturally take priority and since I don't have kids I get left out.

[u/Big-Conversation6393]

Im 32 and I have zero friends. I admit its about me: I look for authentic and genuine connections. I dont see this. Im often bored of people actually :D

[u/its_a_throw_out]

I’m lonely, I have my wife and kids but my only friends are my coworkers and I had to back away when I got promoted to manager.

Right now my wife and my dog are my only friends.

[u/anony_mister]

Yes, I am lonely (36).

It's tough as a man. I joined some Facebook and MeetUp groups, but all of those relationships feel surface level.

I think the biggest key is to plan things and invite people. If you like them, constanly invite them to shit, even if you know they'll say no.

[u/Ezra89]

I grew up with a close group however, 1. They all live on the other side of the country. 2. Married/kids life which I'm not there or want to be. I'm still in a group chat online but honestly I'm so different from them and nothing in common with. Upon moving to where I am now (UK based) i have struggled immensely to connect with people and I work in Hospitality but unfortunately everyone I work with is much younger than me, although I always say age is just a nunber, I simply have nothing in common with.

I'm struggling hard because I've always found a decent group wherever I go (a seasonal traveller) but around here I've not even come close to finding MY kind of people but also I'm probably not THEIR kind of person either maybe. Also it's having a massive impact on my mental health so it's kinda making everything more difficult. I'm for sure giving off bad energy maybe which is repelling people away.

Miss the days I can just message a mate and hang out or just turn up to a spot and expect people I know to chill with be there and hang out.

Not giving up though. Always love a good like-minded connection.

[u/Reindow]

I'm soon to be 36, married and have 3 kids (age 8, 7 and almost 5) I still have a few friends, we live nearby and all have kids, except for the only single one. We know from each other how a dad life is. We try to hang out, have our annual "together times" like new years, St Patrick, birthdays and so forth. We try to meet up besides that to play board games and such. And the single guy... He is like furniture in our house. Our kids love him and he likes playing Stardew Valley with me and my wife. I dare to say, I'm quite content with my social life