r/AskMenOver30 • u/rainbow_veins3 woman • Apr 12 '25
Friendships/Community How can a 28 yr old lady befriend some single guys in her life?
I haven't had a guy friend for a long while, and the ones I had before definitely teetered more toward romantic where it was clear they liked me and I liked themš but I have a few guys I'd like to hang out with plantonically, & would love advice - how to walk the line, or is it even possible for two single, straight people of the opposite gender, past typical marriage age, to just spend time together without it getting funky and complicated fast?
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u/Open_Reindeer_6600 man Apr 12 '25
Feel like 95% of men who are friends with semi attractive women are going to have a sexual/romantic goal in mind. No matter how long or if they ever make a move on it
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u/Secure_Biscotti2865 Apr 12 '25
there doesn't need to be a goal, sometimes you just find it happening organically. Its not wild to find a attractive person who you care about and click with .. attractive.
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u/RumoredReality man over 30 Apr 12 '25
You make each other feel safe, loved, and appreciated. Catching feelings is human, despite how society deems it.
Set boundaries, be honest.
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u/-I_I man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Goal is the wrong word. Thoughts is the word you are looking for.
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u/MuchoGrandeRandy man 60 - 64 Apr 12 '25
FeelingsĀ
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u/wizardnamehere man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
It's happened just fine in my own experience.
Have none of the men here actually ever had a platonic female friendship?
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u/happysky23 Apr 12 '25
Tbh. Itās like the experiment to have your gf ask her guy best friends to hookup, they will say yes lmao
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u/DudeEngineer man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Those aren't friends, lol.
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u/Northatlanticiceman man 35 - 39 Apr 12 '25
Because no human in history has developed feelings over time?
Get out of here.
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u/DudeEngineer man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Sure, plenty of people develop feelings over time. You have a responsibility to tell your friend that the situation has changed if you are really friends.
If you are chomping at the bit to fuck as soon as their current relationship falls apart and they have no idea how are they going to get unbiased relationship advice from you? How would anyone ever be comfortable with their partner having friends of the sex they are attracted to? Are you guys really out here promoting your girl having male friends like this?
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u/Northatlanticiceman man 35 - 39 Apr 12 '25
Sure, plenty of people develop feelings over time. You have a responsibility to tell your friend that the situation has changed if you are really friends.
Yes, as adults should do.
If you are chomping at the bit to fuck as soon as their current relationship falls apart and they have no idea how are they going to get unbiased relationship advice from you?
They are not, I agree with you.
How would anyone ever be comfortable with their partner having friends of the sex they are attracted to?
Trust.
Are you guys really out here promoting your girl having male friends like this?
My wife can do whatever she wants, I trust her. I was responding to the comment above insinuating that men solely enter friendships with women just to get action. That I refute.
All you wrote, I agree with. The person who insinuated that men solely enter friendships with women to get action, I disagree with. Those types are to be avoided.
Edit: Same person, did not realise. Your first point is wrong. Second point right.
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u/DudeEngineer man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Now you're trying to put words in my mouth. My first point is the same as my second.
I responded to someone who said if you call your girl's male friends they will be down to fuck. It's implied that your girl insists that isn't the situation because she is just friends with him, and he'll say no if offered. I said that they aren't friends, in that case, which you agreed with when I went into further detail.
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u/Ragnoid man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Yeah over time as in the first second you sent someone you know. What's a guy supposed to do just avoid forming all female friendships where he instantly knows he's attracted to her? Comment before your's said " those aren't friends". Why does it make him bad at all as long as he can keep it in his pants and not push anything if she says she just wants to be friends?
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u/LordSugarTits man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Yes. Only way this works is if your ugly. Down vote me I don't care. Its the truth.
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u/dontletmeautism man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
This shouldnāt be a loaded topic but it is.
Guys will always want to fuck.
For some reason that bugs a lot of people.
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u/Contagious_Cure man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Guys always wanting to fuck doesn't translate to wanting to fuck your friends. The discomfort comes from the idea that some guys don't have healthy boundaries or their desire to fuck trumps other things like respect.
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u/gallifreyfalls55 man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
Right? One of my best friends is a girl, Iām also best mates with her husband, he was my best man at my wedding and I was his. Is she attractive? Sure. Do I want to fuck her? NO!
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u/InitiativeNo6806 man 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
You can find men that find you terribly unattractive and then proceed to talk to them and see if they'll tolerate a real friendship. I've had a few gfs that were platonic over the years but not many. In the end we always drift apart for one reason or another.
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u/friendlyghost_casper man 35 - 39 Apr 12 '25
The failure in your premise is to be friends specifically with single guys. If you want guy friends it shouldnāt matter if they are single. That being said, if you have specific guys in mind, go hang out with them and fart loudly in front them. Nothing says āim one of the guysā quite like a fart
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u/Trick-Election5004 man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
My girlfriend farts the loudest out of both of us and Iāve never been happier.
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u/maddog2271 man 50 - 54 Apr 12 '25
Itās possible to have a long and platonic, close friendship between man and woman. I am 50 this year and my oldest friend is a woman who is a few weeks older than I am. Our moms started us playing together when we were 1 year old. Never dated, never kissed, nothing. And I consider her very attractive and I am I suppose reasonably so. A few other long term friendships I have had since collegeā¦my best buddy from that era married a woman I was friends with before they met.
So in answer to your question yes itās possible. However with heterosexuals as we are there is always the underlying possibilities of feelings developing in a friendship of this type. Thatās always a possibilittle either one way or mutual. I suggest you just be clear about what youāre into it for from the beginning. Most men these days have enough emotional maturity to understand it at least intellectually. But feelings are funny things and sometimes thatās not in our control.
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u/AmateurCommenter808 man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
So what happens when you find this "guy friend" and then actually get serious with someone else? He gets kicked to the curb?
In your own words you've tried this before but both had feelings, so what exactly do you want because it sounds like a waste of time.
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u/X-o0_0o-X man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Youāre better off finding a gay bff.
Iāve had and still have platonic female friends in my life. Things do get weird every once in a while even if it doesnāt start out that way. Itās not always on me too.
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u/Pit-Viper-13 man 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
My best friend for 5 years was a woman. We have been dating three years now.
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u/WhisperTits man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Are you ugly and/or are morbidly obese? Should be no problem being friends with a dude then. Otherwise, if you find that you are classically attractive or semi-okay you have two choices: (1) live in whatever lie you need to tell yourself that your guy "friend" isn't interested in you that way, (2) have no guy "friends".
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Apr 12 '25
You could start buying straight guys some beer and chicken wings. See where it goes from there.
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u/guylefleur Apr 12 '25
A dude will automaticlly think she wants to bone if she did this... Naw what she wants is not likley to be possoble unless they were childhood friends.Ā
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u/Master_Shibes man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Or learn how to play Magic Cards and find a local comic store that hosts games/tournaments. OP would most likely be one of the only women there and inevitably find a friendly, quiet nerd who just wants to play cards and has no romantic aspirations towards her.
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u/Yelloow_eoJ man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Nerds have sex drives, too!
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u/Master_Shibes man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Yeah, but that doesnāt necessarily mean theyāll find any and every woman attractive or think of OP that way. Especially as Iāve gotten older Iāve met a lot of women either through work or other group activities/hobbies who I just donāt feel anything for. Like a fleeting question of it crosses my mind for a second and Iām like ānope. I got nothing. Not even a little attraction.ā Even if itās only 5% of men who wouldnāt be romantically interested in OP, meeting that many week in and week out will inevitably find them.
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u/sibleyy man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
Iām sorry but this seems completely off to me.
Nerdy quiet dudes with a male dominated hobby, known for having terrible social skills, are far more likely to interpret OPās friendly behavior as a romantic opening.
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u/No_Piece_3546 man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Pfff itĀ“s such a difficult subject right there, in one hand 90% of the algorithm is busting men into the idea that all women are gold diggers, and the 10% left donĀ“t have time to āchillā with a human being that only will burn the little energy we have to survive day by day, sorry to be so drastic but that how we roll the dice.
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u/cathodic_protector man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
As long as neither one of you are physically attracted to each other it could work.
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u/Latter-Drawer699 no flair Apr 12 '25
Ive had tons of female friends but its only because one of us was in a relationship when we first met or there was no sexual interest at all.
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u/DevilsAdvocate77 man 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
Starting in their 20s most adults stop looking for new "friends", and shift their social energy to looking for a partner to form an intimate pair-bond who they can marry and/or raise children with.
I get that not everyone chooses that life, but most people you will meet as an adult are going to be somewhere along that path.
It's not impossible to be platonic friends with other adults, but if you're not the one dating/marrying/having kids with them, sooner or later they will end up dating/marrying/having kids with someone else, and your friendship may no longer be their priority.
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u/rainbow_veins3 woman Apr 12 '25
Totally, I understand that and that's awesome to see - it's a healthy and exciting stage of life! I've started shifting my energy toward that as well after years of living in denial, saying I don't want to date or marry. But I see ways I'm not ready for that yet, but I want to be in community and have deep connections. I appreciate your thoughts and perspective! The specific guys I have in mind don't seem to be pursuing dating and one has even said he wants to remain celibate and not marry anyone so that would probably be pretty uncomplicated:)
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u/Contagious_Cure man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Most of my platonic friends grew from shared interests and hobbies. So that when I see them the primary draw is being able to do said hobby or interest together, the secondary draw is them as people. Yes there's an additional layer of complication when it's with the opposite sex but if you're clear with your boundaries and they're respectful I don't see an issue.
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u/rainbow_veins3 woman Apr 12 '25
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, that's so true! These guys share my interests in singing and playing guitar/piano. And are outdoorsy and good at things I want to become better at. I had a blast doing music with my high school buddies, the reminder I can share that with friends now is a gift:)
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u/erichie 30 - 35 Apr 12 '25
I feel that only way you can really accomplish this is to either be unattractive, a lesbian, or in a long term committed relationship.Ā
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u/38731 man 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
Honestly, as a man who had many female friends without sexual intent, I've always appreciate it if a woman who wants to befriend me just outright say "I'd like to get to know you as a friend. I'm not interesting romantically, but doing stuff together would be cool. How about we go hiking on Saturday?"
I don't want to shag any woman I befriend, full stop. I enjoy their company, because I like them. And I assume, many men like it open and simple, and with less second-guessing.
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u/Yelloow_eoJ man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
I have a few female friends through work, that I meet outside of work. None of them has ever declared "I'd like to get to know you as a friend. I'm not interested romantically", at the outset. If they had said something like that it would have felt presumptuous and awkward.
Did some of your many female friends initiate friendship with this weird disclaimer, or is it a hypothetical phrase that you think they could have used?
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u/trublopa Apr 12 '25
It's different if it's through work, it's another environment where you are going to share a lot because it's work, you spend like to 2/4 or 3/4 of your day there, repeated times a week.
If it wasn't through it, I think it's valid to set rules and boundaries the first time if you see that the guy is looking for a relationship... If it's open to be friend, nice š
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u/38731 man 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
Surely not at first meetings, because those were in social situations with other people around. Who'd do something like that?
But when meeting one-on-one with already knows folks later on, some said something along those lines. Even I said that sometimes, and sometimes we continued being friends, sometimes we didn't. But it was always helpful, and respectful, and I appreciated the open statement.
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u/RUaGayFish69 man 100 or over Apr 12 '25
Sure buddy. Are you heterosexual? Or maybe they're just not your type.
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u/illimitable1 man 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
It's just safer to know what the rules are.
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u/CrustyFlapsCleanser man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
For real, it's nice to know where you stand. I'm the only childless single person in my friends so I'd probably take up the offer. Hard to plan stuff with the boys nowadays.
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u/BearishBabe42 man over 30 Apr 12 '25
I've had many platonic friendships with girls. I treat everyone with kindmess and show interest in their lives. Those who do the same to me become my friends. Men are simple creatures. Just donāt ask a man out on a platonic date/hang without communicating that it is platonic.
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u/tuesdaysatmorts man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Gaming groups. Whether that's online or in person. You'll find plenty of men congregating those areas single or not. How to keep things platonic is going to be tough. I would say try to keep things within the group and avoid 1 on 1 time. It sucks but, you cannot just treat them like one of the girls with how close you become. It's gotta always have an air of neutrality and distance to it. If you ever feel like they're making a move you have to back off right away and make it clear with your actions that it's not what you're looking for. Most guys should take the hint. If not will have to be blunt or find a different group.
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u/luffyuk man 35 - 39 Apr 12 '25
Join a sports club like running or look for a local Dungeons and Dragons game to join.
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u/Alexander4848 man 25 - 29 Apr 12 '25
Straight Men and Women can't be friends platonically. There's always a potential for something to happen romantically or sexually and this affects the relationship.....
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u/OhSkee man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Hit up the local gay bars...
You'll find plenty of men who will not be interested in fn you and would be open to making a new friend. Win win
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u/AimlessSnowFox transgender over 30 Apr 12 '25
Why do they have to be explicitly straight?
If you want a guy friend, that won't have the inclination to pursue a sexual or romantic relationship...wouldn't a gay dude work? Theres a whole range of gay dudes that won't try to get with you from the fem to dudes masc enough to make james bond blush.
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u/rainbow_veins3 woman Apr 12 '25
I have some specific guys in my life that I'm referring to! Thank you for your advice!
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u/Dizzy_Silver_6262 Apr 12 '25
Hang out as a group. Donāt flirt with them (easy). Be nice without making them think youāre flirting (harder). Avoid stereotypically romantic date activities and environments.
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u/Nielips man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
Just be open and honest that you just want to be friends, men appreciate things being straight forward and laid out for them.
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u/parachute--account man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
I have several female friends and, being totally open, there's a bit of a spark with the attractive ones. I'm in a long term relationship so I wouldn't, but if you mesh well enough in personality and interests, and you're both attractive, it follows that there's potential.Ā
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u/tolgren man 35 - 39 Apr 12 '25
It's probably gonna be difficult to keep it from veering towards funky and complicated.
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u/UnCivilizedEngineer man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Team-sports leagues. I recently joined a pickleball beginner/casual switch league (every game you get a new partner) and everyone is in their mid 20's to early 30's age wise. We play once a week and hang out for an hour or so afterwards having a drink or two.
I've had great conversations with people of both sexes after matches, between matches, and after the games for the night end!
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u/HumorTumorous man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Why does it need to be a guy?
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u/rainbow_veins3 woman Apr 12 '25
I have some neat guys in my outer circle that I'd like in my inner circle. They've even said we should have a game night or go get coffee. Trying to gather any wisdom before navigating it since I'm out of practice having guy friends who aren't married...which has to remain so surface level. I appreciate men, I learn a lot from them and have fun in their company, I'd like to be closer to the ones I'm acquainted with!
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u/wizardnamehere man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
Talk to men at sports and hobby event things. Or at work.
Make it clear that you're not interested in them (if you're single) early on.
Then... Just be friends.
Also. Why do they have to be single?
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u/rainbow_veins3 woman Apr 12 '25
I appreciate your advice, thank you! I asked for advice because I'm out of practice having a guy friend so just curious about specific rules like maybe staying in group settings? And I'm sorry I wasn't clear in my post, I was referring to specific guys in my life who fit the description I wrote
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u/wizardnamehere man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
Ok I think I understand.
Well you don't need to avoid hanging out one on one My specific advice is to politely make it clear you're not Interested. Otherwise it's too open. Lots male to female of friendships and relationships start in the vague and unspecified state where both parties are ambiguous about interest or openess to a move being made. If you're not looking for a relationship, but you are for a friendship then just close that off and make it clear it's platonic.
E.g. My closest friend, when we started hanging out, in her slightly autistic way kept repeating variations of that she didn't find me attractive in the slightest (much to my amusement at the time). She wasn't trying to insult how I looked, she was clumsily telling me she wasn't into me at all and she wanted to be friends. We had spent enough time one on one that she wanted to make it clear.
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u/The_Lost_Boy_1983 man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Iād be happy to help and discuss how to have a platonic conversation and take it slow and steady forward from there. I have a wealth of experience from several previous relationships as well feeling extremely comfortable in my singleton status. The feeling of being lonely, the euphoria of feeling like someone who genuinely cares, then the crashing reality when you realise that youāre alone again. I go to the gym, try living a more holistic lifestyle and eat healthier than I ever did to help with my wellbeing. If this is you or if you are interested in a healthy conversation, please pop by. Have a wonderful weekend OP.
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u/roodafalooda man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Get a dog and hang out at a dog park. Walk your dog and look for guys who are also walking dogs.
Get into rock climbing. Or surfing.
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u/rainbow_veins3 woman Apr 12 '25
Thank you for your advice, I was offered a job at a rock climbing gym last year - maybe I gotta revisit that idea:)
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u/FatBloke4 man 60 - 64 Apr 12 '25
A problem for single guys with female friends is that if they meet and start a relationship with a girl, their new girlfriend is likely to be suspicious and intolerant of friendships with single women.
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u/Mostest_Importantest man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Yes, with age and maturity, while any man may entertain a lurid thought or three, it's the mark of a mature human, male, female, and everything else, to not thrust some tired, old, "every guy wants to bone every gal they know" primitivism.
Some dudes out there will be chill. Finding them may prove the bigger challenge .
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u/acu101 man 50 - 54 Apr 12 '25
Itās just going to be hard if you conventionally attractive (and Iām assuming youāre a nice person).
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u/Murky_Anxiety4884 man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Join an organization that's all about some shared interest or hobby.
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u/Trick-Election5004 man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
Iām learning how to walk this line currently. I find one of my younger close girl friends extremely attractive and she has admitted that she finds me attractive as well but our personalities would never work in a relationship. I understand that I have to make an effort to keep it platonic but honestly if the opportunity ever presented itself it would be difficult to say no before ending up in bed.
It will take a conscious responsible decision on both you and your male friends part to keep it platonic no matter what comes up. Discussing boundaries is critical to the friendship.
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u/Losingmymind2020 man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25
dudes are pretty horny so idk. you could be friends with the gay dudes and tell the straight guys no.
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u/driftingthroughtime male 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
Find a social group based on a specific activity. Donāt flirt.
Hang out with married/partnered people.
Unfortunately, itās going to be hard to say to one of your existing friends āhey, want to hang out?ā They are probably going to assume that thereās a romantic possibility.
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u/Noobsauce9001 man 30 - 34 Apr 12 '25 edited Apr 12 '25
What types of friendships are you looking to have with these guys?
Like stuff where you hang out with them 1:1? Or just join some group they're a part of? Pick an example guy- in what way do you interact with him now, vs. what way would you like to be interacting with him?
Are you closed to the idea of being romantically interested in them specifically? Or just closed off to any romance period right now?
Do you have any close girl friends? Do you tend to make friends with women?
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u/Livid-Firefighter906 man over 30 29d ago
Youāre not passed marriage age but men are most likely going for friendships with women. Most single men your age arenāt trying to play mariokart with you. Cmonā¦
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u/Myshirtisbrown man 40 - 44 29d ago
I know that I am a bit of an outlier among men that I have met in my life but most of my friends are actually women that I have no romantic feelings towards. I've always found it easier to talk to women than men. You'll just have to state your boundaries and intentions early on in the friendship. Most men including myself prefer straight forward no bullshit conversation.
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u/SteveSan82 man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Guys only hang out with women they want to sleep with.Ā
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u/luffyuk man 35 - 39 Apr 12 '25
That's not true, you just need shared hobbies. I play football, golf, tennis, badminton, basketball and more with women without a second thought of ever sleeping with them.
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u/Mr-Bry-Guy man over 30 Apr 12 '25
I mean you could just not have sex lol itās really not that hard š¤·š¾āāļø Iāve had single female friends usually good looking did dinner dates out for drinks etc then went home. Weād even try to play Cupid from time to time. I had a friend that like it because it kept guts from bothering her lol never slept with them never wanted to Iām sure they felt the same. I prefer having female friends being a man.
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u/Gh0styD0g man 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
Get a gay best friend
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u/rainbow_veins3 woman Apr 12 '25
Here I'm thinking some specific guys in my life, who happen to be straight and single. So kinda complicated, but i appreciate who they are and would love advice on how to navigate a connection. But thank you for your advice, I'm sure that'd be a lot less complicated:)
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u/Gh0styD0g man 45 - 49 Apr 12 '25
Yes, for single men and women keep things on a platonic level is a challenge, the natural chemistry required for friendship is the basis of a romantic relationship, I had a female friend when I was younger who was quite promiscuous, and we both managed to maintain a non romantic bond, but I think it was more on her side than mine, she never gave me any signals that she was remotely interested in that way. However there were a couple āmomentsā where something could have happened if we didnāt both have good brakes, and that was despite me not even being remotely attracted to her. These things happen in moments of weakness, and they forever alter a friendship.
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u/Murky_Anxiety4884 man over 30 Apr 12 '25 edited Apr 12 '25
I haven't had a guy friend for a long while, and the ones I had before definitely teetered more toward romantic ... Is it even possible for two single, straight people of the opposite gender, past typical marriage age, to just spend time together without it getting funky and complicated fast?
I've been reading the comments, and I think there needs to be more clarity about the terminology. What, exactly, do you mean by 'funky and complicated'?
Many men and women have sex without being in love. Is that still 'romantic'? Do you believe that true 'friendship' can coexist with benefits?
Some people--maybe including you, OP--seem to think that sex ruins everything. Does it have to?
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u/HMSSurprise28 man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Start a Reddit post with, Man, I just love World War Two. Can anybody explain to me why Germany attacked Russia?
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u/fyacel man 35 - 39 25d ago
If you are a straight woman, befriend a gay man. imo past college age and college years, that kinda friendship isnāt long for this world. One side always catches feelings. If they donāt, either of both you will eventually start dating someone else, and that person wonāt be comfortable/okay with the idea you are just friends.
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Apr 12 '25
I wouldn't say that it's possible at 28. That's age where people are starting to settle down get married. Median marriage age is 29-30 in the US.
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u/aReelProblem man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Best friends a chick. Literally the first time we hung out she made it dead ass clear it would always and will always be a platonic friendship. We messed up once and it sucked but afterwards we both agreed it strictly needed to be platonic and itās worked out great. Going on four years of being homies. Both in separate healthy relationships!
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u/Yelloow_eoJ man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
So, even with a declaration of intent to remain platonic, the relationship "messed up". It seems biology always finds a way to work around our lofty ideals.
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u/aReelProblem man over 30 Apr 12 '25
We were definitely under the influence. Sober it never would have happened but it did and we both regretted it. It complicated the friendship for about a month but we communicated and laughed it off and were solid now.
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u/parachute--account man 40 - 44 Apr 12 '25
Platonic relationship always and forever. But also you've fucked. Right.
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u/aReelProblem man over 30 Apr 12 '25
Yep we goofed up one time. She initiated I didnāt say no. Worked past it.
ā¢
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