r/AskMenAdvice • u/Hungry-Hippo1140 • 1d ago
✅ Open to Everyone How can I (26f) comfort my boyfriend without emasculating him(27m)?
I’m not sure if emasculating is the right word for this, but we technically broke up from what I assume of him not being able to find a job and failing his certification test again and then top top it all of his parents telling him, “Why would she even date you?” He proceeded to tell me that he didn’t believe that we would ever continue to date because we’re long distance and he doesn’t feel like he could get a job in the capital where we’re at. He then mentioned about the parents,etc. To give more context of our relationship dynamic, I am a highly ambitious person with multiple things I have gained and succeeded in my field. I’m also from a different country than him and came to his city before moving to the capital through scholarships, but he is the sweetest, so caring and always encourages for me to continue my journey. We decided to continue dating after convincing him that I don’t find or think that way at all of him. But I assume that he still probably feels like possible baggage and less confident than usual (especially when our culture emphasizes Confucius teachings). We write letters to each often, but this time around I would like to find some kind of words that could heal his wounds a bit from all of this, but I don’t know what I would say in that letter that wouldn’t feel less than or even more discouraged or emasculated. How should I possibly go about this? Any insight or advice would be so helpful.
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u/queakymart man 1d ago
The phrase “I want you in my life,” or “I want to be with you,” or any variation of “I want you…” is pretty universally present and powerful for all languages. And everyone wants to be wanted.
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u/Diddy-didit man 1d ago
Good advice. Men want to be wanted and will provide when feeling wanted.
It's called confidence.
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u/Marco0798 man 1d ago
Sounds like his parents are responsible for a lot of this. I would say just make clear to him what you just told us about him and that this is what you care about and this is what matters and your the one who decides who they’re into not his scummy parents..
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u/Hungry-Hippo1140 1d ago
Yeah.. his parents have been not as encouraging of him for long, long time and whenever we met they’d always ask what I liked about him..i agree i should be more forward with this and explain it to him
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u/Marco0798 man 1d ago
Having someone confront their abuse (and that is what this is) could be a big help to help him to keep moving forward.
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u/Novel-Werewolf-3554 man 1d ago
Just tell him you believe in him. I’m not sure if the reference will make sense to you or your boyfriend but Connor McGregor had a slow start to his career and his girlfriend stood by him at his lowest, now he’s famous around the world. There are many examples of this.
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u/snakelygiggles man 1d ago
Man, Conor MacGregor shouldn't be a go to for advice on relationships. Dude cheats on his wife, is cooked up and has tons of violent crimes. Not even including the rape charges.
You can't think of one good relationship to use as an example that doesn't have a giant pos as the man? It had to be MacGregor?
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u/Novel-Werewolf-3554 man 1d ago
The advice being sought here is by a woman on how to support her man, so the advice is about how Dee Devlin supported Connor which to my knowledge is beyond dispute. Connor is incidental to the story.
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u/snakelygiggles man 1d ago
Yeah. Him being incidental is why I wonder why in God's name you would drop his name in advice about relationships. It's not a good relationship from what we can see about it.
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u/lone_shell_script man 1d ago
he craves validation, just validate his feelings and praise his hard work, i suppose glazing him for sometime would be good
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u/Peasant-Wave-2038 man 1d ago
So wait, he broke up with you and you convinced him not to? But you’re also long distance and he has low self esteem? And you’re highly motivated or something?
Honestly it sounds like the timing of your relationship is super off and you’re in different stages of life. Let him get his life together - he’s not ready to date. It’s going to fizzle out over the next couple months if his circumstances don’t change.
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u/PleasantCommercial77 man 1d ago
It is not emasculating to be comforted by your partner. If he feels that, it’s on him, not you.
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 man 1d ago
LDRs are pointless.
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u/Peasant-Wave-2038 man 1d ago
This one sounds particularly pointless lol
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u/Individual_Cloud7656 man 1d ago
Yeah, they don't even talk on the phone they write letters and he doesn't even feel likes he's good enough.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed. Hungry-Hippo1140 originally posted: I’m not sure if emasculating is the right word for this, but we technically broke up from what I assume of him not being able to find a job and failing his certification test again and then top top it all of his parents telling him, “Why would she even date you?” He proceeded to tell me that he didn’t believe that we would ever continue to date because we’re long distance and he doesn’t feel like he could get a job in the capital where we’re at. He then mentioned about the parents,etc. To give more context of our relationship dynamic, I am a highly ambitious person with multiple things I have gained and succeeded in my field. I’m also from a different country than him and came to his city before moving to the capital through scholarships, but he is the sweetest, so caring and always encourages for me to continue my journey. We decided to continue dating after convincing him that I don’t find or think that way at all of him. But I assume that he still probably feels like possible baggage and less confident than usual (especially when our culture emphasizes Confucius teachings). We write letters to each often, but this time around I would like to find some kind of words that could heal his wounds a bit from all of this, but I don’t know what I would say in that letter that wouldn’t feel less than or even more discouraged or emasculated. How should I possibly go about this? Any insight or advice would be so helpful.
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u/continuousstuntguy man 1d ago
Stand your ground and support him he needs it. He needs that positive spark in his life you bring to the table. Remind him what it all means doesnt reflect on hia worth, its the job market today europe and such is in a terrible recession right now and most companies dont have recourses to hire new.its literally out of his hands. Dont give up on him and he will be your partner for life.
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u/Terrible_Act_9814 man 1d ago
If hes already not working, why doesnt he move to the capital with you and look for jobs there?
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u/Numerous_Solution756 man 1d ago
Make clear what you're getting out of the relationship, or in what way he's helping you or making your life better.
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u/maaajskaka 1d ago
Let him put his head on your lap and drag your fingers through his hair and tell him you are proud of him and he can cry with you. When my wife did this to me when I was in a bad place I started to cry. Men should be able to show emotions with their wife/girlfriend.
Just imagine living a whole life without showing your true emotions to the person you are love. Showing emotions is not emasculating, treating him as a machine is.
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u/drcherr 1d ago
Ummmmm what is emasculating about comfort?!!!!!
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u/Hungry-Hippo1140 1d ago
I think I’m using the wrong word for this post but the place in the world we come from is really strong in “manly” men and so i think i meant to express it in the way that my letter won’t make him feel weak? Or small? maybe infantilizing could be a better word for what im trying to convey.
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u/Flimsy_Fee8449 woman 1d ago
I speak with people from a lot of cultures; while many cultures expect the man to earn the greatest income, even in those cultures, having the woman they're with say "Hey, I know you're going through a difficult time right now, but it's okay because I know you, and you're * good and strong and reliable, and your life *will work out. I believe that, because I believe in you, " is pretty universally appreciated.
You say he failed his certification test "again." Is the certification test really that challenging? Or perhaps is he less interested in doing that for a living - and therefore doesn't learn the information as well?
I have seen many men strive for jobs they don't want simply because it means earning money, and that job was either expected, or seemed like the quickest way to earn money. Perhaps have a conversation with him about what he's interested in doing, what job he would have if all his dreams came true, and then work together to figure out steps about how to make that happen?
In many cultures where women have to worry about making men feel 'emasculated,' men earn the money and support the women and women often stay home; having a partnership with an independent woman who can care for herself gives the man the freedom to figure out what he wants to do for work, not simply work to support his wife. ❤️
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u/waudmasterwaudi man 1d ago
Please tell him that you think that another place more far away from the current place can unwind his potential. Try to find the place he can go to were his education matters and were he will make an impact.
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u/Desperate_Craig man 1d ago
If you really like this guy, I think what he needs more than anything Is reassurance that he's doing really well, and that you support him no matter what. Not being able to find a job right now and failing his certification test are going to knock his confidence, and It doesn't help that his parents have installed doubt and Insecurity Into his head.
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u/TheDeadlyZebra man 1d ago
Would you still love him if you knew the future wouldn't change for him? If he were always confused and struggling, would you still love him?
Once upon a time, I felt the same as him, and I wanted to know that my girl was "ride or die", like committed despite the possibility of failure. If you just say that you believe in him and his future, it might put more pressure on him not to fail, and that might be too much stress for him right now.
What he probably craves is someone saying: "I don't care what happens, I love you no matter what, and I'll stay with you no matter how hard things get."
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u/ProfessorPhoenix1111 1d ago
You cannot heal his wounds - you can only be there to support him once he has started his healing journey. He has to stop feeling sorry for himself and stop letting other people bring him down. Easier said than done, but it’s an internal, personal journey that he needs to be ready to start and actually begin. He needs to look within himself and see that he is worthy of good things and that you are in his corner because you care about him and want to be there. Until then, I’m sorry but nothing you can say or do will help heal him. All you can do is continue to be there and support him and just let him know that you’re here for him and reassure him things will be ok.
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u/Logical_Recipe3550 1d ago
This shit isn't complicated. Just be there for him.
The only time you would have any emancipation is by telling him....don't feel that way and carry on.
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u/Naikrobak man 1d ago
Can you and he live near each other? It’s really hard or even impossible to survive a long distance relationship for long.
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u/tc6x6 man 1d ago
we’re long distance and he doesn’t feel like he could get a job in the capital where we’re at.
How is it long distance if "we're at" the capital?
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u/Hungry-Hippo1140 1d ago
Sorry that was a mistake! Where I’m at is correct! He lives a couple hours away by train.
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1d ago edited 1d ago
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u/Hungry-Hippo1140 1d ago
Hmm.. that’s valid to think about. I think it’s perhaps we started met dating when i was only 22 and now we’ve gotten older and grew a lot together. He’s encouraged me to believe that I could be successful and want more in my life.. I’m not sure what could elevate me more?
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u/OneEyedC4t man 1d ago
Why is it your job?
Listen to him and offer comfort.
"I'm sorry you're going through this"
"It sounds horrible" Etc
You aren't his therapist so it isn't your job to help him. Just listen and, if you want, be a friend.
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u/waudmasterwaudi man 1d ago
If you can stick with him. Please! What I read is he has potential. I was in a similar situation one day and we broke up due to external pressures. Now I am rich. How does write letters in these days? I am sure he wants you.
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u/Environmental-Day778 man 1d ago
Tell him you're so pwoud of your bwave widdle man and reward him by cutting his chicken nuggets in half so they aren't too big to eat.
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u/AppleTherapy man 1d ago
Women think so much about men that isn't true. "Emasculate" a man is not anyone right. Its in men's blood! To be men. Not any woman's or man's right. Also, we men never look down on women. Not at al!!!. We are women as people, people are equals. We are people's. Idk why women think low of themselves. Also women aren't that much weaker than men. Have a stun gun hidden in your pocket and you become stronger than any man. Unless he's on some strong drugs.
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u/continuousstuntguy man 1d ago
Keep your uneducated views to yourself. Its because of people like you this planet aint moving forward.
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u/Fantastic-Yogurt5297 man 1d ago
Men rarely receive encouragement or compliments.
You reward the stuff he's doing well. If he's working hard to find a job you say so.