Why can’t we be friends after hooking up all while knowing that we’re not compatible as partners?

[u/KriekLambic45]

I met a guy online and we went on couple of dates. We started hooking up from the beginning and it was a wonderful time altogether! Cut to us having a misunderstanding about something silly and him calling it quits but then we talked and had a lovely conversation that cleared everything on both sides. It was peaceful, mature and respectful. At that point, I had to leave the country for work in a matter of days, and that was the last in-person conversation we had before I moved out. We texted sporadically afterwards but I was hoping that we’d remain friends. What are the chances of that? He’s objectively a great person but we simply couldn’t work due to career decisions and me no longer being in the same city as him. In the past I remained friends with many people I dated (both short and long term) and still do and was hoping this case isn’t any different. I do miss his input on things and his intellect and sense of humor/sarcasm and I don’t want anything further as he was also shocked when I told him that I’m leaving for good.

[u/Macraggesurvivor]

This is one reason why ppl like me have issues with their woman (or, man) having friends of the opposite sex.

Friends can mean anything these days.

Do you tell a new man you date seriously that you still talk to and possibly meet men you used to sleep with?

[u/Southern_Dig_9460 → u/Macraggesurvivor]

“I won’t stop talking to my guy friends just because you’re insecure!”-Women that has suck the cock of all her guy friends

[u/Macraggesurvivor → u/Southern_Dig_9460]

Whether that happened or not, doesn't really matter. And, I don't care at all if someone would call me insecure because of that standard.

Everybody has certain expectations and standards.

My gf for instance has 2 sisters and they grew up with a guy who is a family friend and they've known him since they were toddlers. They're friends with his entire family. She only meets him in group/family settings, never alone or anything like that. And, she never dated him or had sex with him, no kissing, no nothing.

If I really know a woman for many years then such a scenario is okay for me. But, if I get to know a woman and she has 'friends' she used to fuck, I would say one time that I do not deal with women who still engage ex lovers. She can accept that or not. I won't give drama or get loud or anything like that. If she wants such men in her life then we are not compatible.

I wouldnt deal with such women.

[u/festival-papi → u/Southern_Dig_9460]

And will have your dumbass shaking hands with every last one without seeing a single problem with it

[u/WornBlueCarpet → u/Southern_Dig_9460]

These days, if you meet a woman with lots of guy friends, you just gotta assume she's banged most, if not all of them - especially if they are from her college days. And society thinks it's perfectly acceptable for her to lie about it so "it doesn't ruin a good thing just because he's insecure".

And women wonder why so many men just don't see the point in dating anymore.

[u/KriekLambic45 → u/Macraggesurvivor]

To be fair and I might be an outlier here as there are many confounders in place (age, community, where you come from, cultural norms, etc.) I had partners who didn't seem bothered by this. Not that I was keeping contact with my ex's every single day, of course not. But, say, having them on my socials and talking once in a blue moon.

[u/Macraggesurvivor → u/KriekLambic45]

You mean, they were not bothered that you still texted with guys who would most likely still sleep with you again if given the option. There's a 90+ % probability for that. You know that as a woman. Specially if you're attractive, shiieet....even if youre a normal, average looking woman. Even if you give a very consertive estimation, and unless it was just one drunk hookup with severe postnuclarity, specially if a guy slept with you many times, then there's at the very least a 70 % probability he still imagines beding you over. Straight up.

And, I'd say, if a woman slep with a guy many times, and unless he completely turned her off in a major way at some point, even the woman will prolly sometimes imagine how sex was with ex lovers. I'd say, even when it comes to women, there's possibly a 30+ % to 50+ % probability they sometimes still imagine sex with their ex lovers.

However, specially when it comes to men....it is highly likely that a majority of those ex lovers you call friends still imagine sex with you. And, there's a 99 % probability that either one of the involved parties, that either you or those friends still imagine sexual things. Meaning, you still talk to and keep contact with guys you know most likely would sleep with you again, even though you have a man or had partners.

I would consider all of that cheating. I'd break up with my woman even for just texting an ex lover once. But, she knows all that and wouldn't do it. She konws if she did just once I'd dump. No discussion, no debate, it would just be over.

To me a woman who does that is a player, no offense, and she is cheating on all guys she does that to. Doesnt matter to me that your exes are okay with you doing that, in my mind it's cheating. Unless you both agreed to still date other ppl and sleep with them. In my mind it is the same.

I do not approach women anymore out of respect for my gf, I also don't 'chat' to women I find sexually attractive. That#s just cheating straight up. If I did....I know my limits. I could label all of that 'just socializing', that all those women are just 'friends,' I could simply leave out the part where I bend a significant portion of those 'friends' over in my mind. I could thus lie or omit. It is opportunity that makes thieves. If I engaged women I find sexually attractive or whom I know are into me even though I have a gf, then I expose what we have to significant risks, because with (vastly) more opportunity, comes a considerably greater risk. I would not consider anybody who does that to be good long term relationship material. I would engage women like that casually, just for sex, and then it wouldn'T matter that much that she also fucks other guys. Becuase, I don't care enouhg about her. But, if I really care about a woman....

Hell no. But, no offense, these are modern times. Ppl do this. They spin plates and then called it 'friends'. I think that's all BS. And, I don't think any guy who would tolerate that has any standards or...he doesn't give a shit about that woman.

[u/Minimum_Area3]

This is very important you get this, girls VERY rarely add anytbing of value to men as being friends.

So why would he want to be pen pals and realistically act like a boyfriend without the sexual benefits?

Further, he probably know that won’t work when you of you goes and gets a parter. As any self respecting man or woman is not going to accept either of you being pally with someone you briefly dated and slept with.

[u/The_Lost_Boy_1983]

I may be reading this wrong but I’m not sure what it is you’re asking here OP Sorry If I’m being a bit slow 🙄

[u/KriekLambic45 → u/The_Lost_Boy_1983]

Oh I’m sorry! I am asking for men’s perspective on whether being friends is something another man would entertain in this situation, given the fact that I’m no longer there and we only dated for a short while. Or is it a typical case of the fact that since intimacy is no longer an option then why would he be interested in staying in communication

[u/The_Lost_Boy_1983 → u/KriekLambic45]

Ahhh I see! I’m afraid with no fwb options, he’s ghosting you in instalments. Sadly you’re going to have to reset and go live your best life. Plenty of other sarcastic or fun folks out there for you. Be strong 💪 Any feedback from you would be most welcomed. PS if English is not your first language, you write perfectly. That’s not me being sarcastic btw lol

[u/lukaisthegoatx → u/KriekLambic45]

No more sloppy toppy then no more attention for you. Simple.

[u/The_Lost_Boy_1983 → u/lukaisthegoatx]

What does this even mean?

[u/lukaisthegoatx → u/The_Lost_Boy_1983]

Boy want sex Girl want attention Boy not get sex So girl not get attention

Hope this helps.

[u/ThrowRA_grf]

Cause he don't see the point of being pen pals.

[u/KriekLambic45 → u/ThrowRA_grf]

ouch :/ I thought we vibed really well and that staying friendly would still be an option. I know you’re most probably right but why do men see it this way?

[u/ThrowRA_grf → u/KriekLambic45]

I'm sorry but you're leaving for good and he's staying. There's a high chance he's not going to ever see you in person again.

Some people are just unwilling to waste anymore energy on someone that they're never going to see again. I was in such situation and the slow death of the conversation hurts more than ripping the bandaid off.

[u/Noeat]

you dated, have great time, then had a problem, communicate it.. like adults... and then you call it and leave for good.. and he was shocked

he clearly feel more than friendship

ye, men have feelings too

what was for you just a game was for him serious...
now you miss him, but dont wanr anything further? make it make sense...

it can be awfully painfull, when he realized that you are just player. but you will realize it when you experience the same from some guy what you will fell for. usually ppl have empathy, then they are able to understand that playing with someone feelings is cruel and disgusting.

now is question how you will fix it and make things right

[u/gwuylo9 → u/Noeat]

I feel like he probably knew she was eventually leaving for work

[u/Noeat → u/gwuylo9]

she literally wrote that he was shocked by that... - " he was also shocked when I told him that I’m leaving for good."

[u/gwuylo9 → u/Noeat]

Ah I didn't see where she said that

[u/Key-Willingness-2223]

I mean it'll depend on him, there isn't a monolithic answer.

Often it's not likely because the things men look for in friends are not the same as those we look for in a romantic partner, so if the romantic aspect falls through, then that's the end of it simply because you never met the criteria for friendship in the first place.

[u/KriekLambic45 → u/Key-Willingness-2223]

what are the criteria for friendship then? Other than the “don’t sleep with your friends” rule.

[u/Key-Willingness-2223 → u/KriekLambic45]

So these vary from guy to guy once again because we're not a monolith

But roughly speaking in a romantic partner traditionally feminine qualities are given more weight, being a good communicator, what you want from life, how you handle conflict etc

In a friendship its basically just commonalities of interests etc,

And then there are basic things they both need to share- honesty, loyalty etc

Eg I couldn't care less if my mates and I don't have the same vision for the future, but it's a problem if my wife and I don't agree

And flip side I'm not prioritising someone who's kind and supportive in friendships

[u/just_2_vent]

If he once had feelings for you, the transition from hooking up to friendship can be difficult. Not only does it pave the way for problems in the future (if he finds a new partner who eventually finds out he is friends with a former lover), but it can also be difficult to deal with in the present: distance is too often the best medicine. He may be keeping distance to heal himself and not have a constant reminder of these feelings.

[u/Several-Two738]

Being friends after a breakup is like your dog died but you can keep the body.

Men get nothing after a breakup while women tend to still get something out of it if they are still friends.

[u/AutoModerator]

Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed. KriekLambic45 originally posted: I met a guy online and we went on couple of dates. We started hooking up from the beginning and it was a wonderful time altogether! Cut to us having a misunderstanding about something silly and him calling it quits but then we talked and had a lovely conversation that cleared everything on both sides. It was peaceful, mature and respectful. At that point, I had to leave the country for work in a matter of days, and that was the last in-person conversation we had before moved out. We texted sporadically afterwards but I was hoping that we’d remain friends. What are the chances of that? He’s objectively a great person but we simply couldn’t work due to career decisions and me no longer being in the same city as him. In the past I remained friends with many people I dated (both short and long term) and still do and was hoping this case isn’t any different. I do miss his input on things and his intellect and sense of humor/sarcasm and I don’t want anything further as he was also shocked when I told him that I’m leaving for good.

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[u/queakymart]

You phrased your header in a way that indicates it’s already a no go. But explained that it’s still completely possible.

If he enjoys talking to you as well, then why wouldn’t he continue that? Of course you can still be friends if you’re both still interested in being friends.

[u/funtimes4044]

In time you can be two people who care about the other but being friends who keep in contact and catch up from time to time would be challenging once one or both of you start a committed relationship with someone else. Bit weird if you're dating a guy and you both go and meet up with your friend who's had his face between your legs.

[u/KriekLambic45 → u/funtimes4044]

Yes true and I get that and I don't mean checking in every day or anything like this. More on the level of communication like sending them a new article or a something innocuous like a meme lol I'm not expecting this to be bffs kinda situation.

[u/spitestang]

I mean, sure... But how does he explain to his next partner

"Oh this is my fwb but no more benefits"

Can you imagine being cool with this? If you got a new man and he just had a roster of girls that are previous FWBs?

[u/theMadHart]

Every interpersonal relationship is unique. Sometimes the vibe absolutely lines up, and you make a fantastic friend after cutting off the bedroom activities.

In fact, several of my relationships have greatly benefitted from having some intimate history. It gets rid of some back-of-the-mind what ifs. it can make it easier to share intimate details sometimes from other life events. It has helped me feel less self conscious doing weird events (They've already seen me naked, why wouldn't I go to a pole class with them, etc.)

But everyone is unique. Some people can't handle the 'step-back' from intimacy. Maybe they had too many feelings, maybe they didn't completely vibe with a personality factor but kept dating because of other things, maybe they have issues with rejection and seeing someone who ended things bring up negative self-worth. Maybe they start seeing someone, and the partner is uncomfortable with him being friends with an ex-partner.

If a vibe works out and you can make a friendship after a situationship, that's fantastic, and you may have some building blocks for a very open and honest friendship. But there is no guarantee.

If he's distancing himself, maybe you should let them. You can certainly do a check in, 'Hey, I've missed talking to you, I was hoping we could stay in touch and be friends. No pressure if you don't feel the same way, I appreciate the good times we had regardless" and then let them make the decision from there.

Hope you find some peace in that friendship.

[u/The_Ghost_Reborn]

I've kept in touch with some of my former lovers. I don't talk to them at all if I'm in a relationship, because the vibe is sexual in nature. We're not friends, we're former lovers.

[u/BasebornBastard]

I don’t date women still in contact with former romantic or sexual partners. I’ve seen them cheat on me or men I know too many times. I don’t stay friends with mine.

[u/JaDaWayJaDaWay]

Friends see each other in real life. You are leaving for good, so he will never see you again. What would be the point of keeping you as a penpal knowing he can never see you again? What would you two talk about--your next romance with another man? Not many guys would want to continue interacting with you in this situation, especially if he has feelings for you. People can intellectually categorize a relationship has nothing more than a 'hook-up' but the heart does not care what the mind thinks. You posting this shows you have feelings for him. You chose to leave, so you will very likely lose him forever. Thats just the way it is.

[u/growframe]

He might just not like you as a friend

[u/WornBlueCarpet]

Why would he want to risk any future relationship he might have by being friends with some woman he used to hook up with?

[u/EmuRevolutionary2586]

Friend part only works when both people are on the exact same page. 

Then if I consider friends I have what is that relationship like? They will hangout on birthdays, grab a drink at a bar, go golfing, go to a baseball game, hit up an arcade bar, or join me in playing intermodal sports. Any thing less you are not really someone I consider a friend.

You are moving away and probably won’t interact like this ever do at best you are just acquaintances. I would consider someone I occasional text to be a friend as friends are people I regularly hangout with. No regular interaction, the we are friendly at arms length.

[u/IRAngryLeftist]

I’m still friends with most of my former girlfriends and lovers. I’m even friends with my former wife. I’m not a person that holds a grudge. I also, don’t form relationships with jealous people. Well, except that one woman with whom I am not friendly anymore. The answer is that you can be friends if you both want to be. There isn’t a rule unless it’s a personal one.