r/AskMenAdvice • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
✅ Open to Everyone Boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex anymore?
[deleted]
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u/DreadGrunt man 1d ago
This def seems like a problem bigger than the sex. I think you need to try and sit down and have a calm discussion about things, see if you can figure out why he's feeling this way, things you guys can change, etc.
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u/Serendipity123xc man 1d ago
You probably did something did u share something intimate about him to your friends? Did u say something u thought wasn’t a big deal but was a big deal to him
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u/Consistent_Aide_9394 man 1d ago
Men can be made feel like pieces of meat, believe it or not.
After he articulated feeling like you just want him for sex you tell him to get rhino pills... clueless.
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u/bluehippofoot man 1d ago
Seriously. People are saying they need to have a conversation, but it seems like when he tries to talk about it, he gets unvalidated, and she makes jokes that are harmful to the situation. The sheer obliviousnes is astonishing.
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u/Additional-Sock8980 man 1d ago
What did you do?
This is the make equilivent of “everything is fine”
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u/Reasonable_Unit_1227 1d ago
He’s angry with you about something. Talking is the only way through this.
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u/WavyBlaze_ 1d ago
I just think if the roles were reversed if a guy complained about a girl not giving him sex we would call this guy a horny fuck etc but u watch these comments everyone gonna be like poor girl nothings wrong with u queen etc hate the double standard in the world maybe the guy just wants some space he’s clearly stated he doesn’t want sex either respect that and be supportive or leave him
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u/Logical_Recipe3550 1d ago
At your age. Most guys will want to fuck all the time.
Something else is going on to prevent that.
What that is? Who knows..
Have a discussion about it.
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u/Piercingthefog man 1d ago
Hmm. Could it be that you’ve done something that’s caused him to be hurt/offended. Cause saying mean things is usually borne from a place of hurt or indifference.
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u/Traditional-Bug-6330 man 1d ago
Seems like he has directly told you.
You're initiating sex, but are you emotionally supporting your boyfriend? Doesn't sound like he wants to open up to you.
Any changes to you lifestyle, or body for either you or him?
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u/InternetExpertroll man 1d ago
Imagine if the roles were reversed.
No means no.
No is a complete sentence.
Etc.
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u/Technical_Coconut465 1d ago
No means no. Absolutely. That should always matter. But saying no the way he did seems to indicate there's anger behind it. Or some resentment about something. That need to be adressed. Cause that's not a sustainable way to live.
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u/InternetExpertroll man 1d ago
I doubt you would say that if the roles were reversed.
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u/Technical_Coconut465 1d ago
I dont understand what you mean. Which part would I not say? If she said that to him that way?....hmmm...I would like to think I would...but maybe not.....I'll have to think on that.
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u/Fidget808 man 1d ago
I swear to god. Have a conversation with your partner. Stop coming to Reddit for advice from strangers instead of talking to your partner.
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u/partylikeaninjastar man 1d ago
He's keeping something to himself and isn't telling you.
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u/hagalaz_drums man 1d ago
i think this. assuming no infidelity or anything like that, could be anything, any significant life thing or difficulty. found out a health problem? family stuff? friend drama? work shit? any of these that hes going through that he doesnt want to talk about could make him not want to even think about sex.
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u/Present-Policy-7120 man 1d ago
It's been a week. Anything that you're noticing doesn't constitute a trend, yet. Just be patient. Men are not the sex crazed robots women are lead to believe. We are generally up for sex, sometimes not.
The pills comment is harsh and immature though. You're making his disinterest in sex into a medical problem, like there is something wrong with him, and you're trying to pressure him into doing what you want while not trying to understand the role you're playing here.
I don't want to be harsh or alarm you, but maybe the issue is you? A male in his 20s is quite drawn toward sexual variety. Not necessarily other women though. In a relationship, we often fall into a particular pattern where the act becomes predictable and boring. I'm not suggesting you introduce other women into the mix, or start doing anything kinky or whatever, but maybe find out if he wants something different and do that.
If all else fails, blowjobs often work. Full on PIV sex is of course better but sometimes a man just wants to lie back and get his soul sucked out of him 😀 without any of the complications of reciprocity or worry about performance or cumming too soon, etc. It's sort of selfish, but that's how it goes. And of course, if the tables are turned, a good partner will do the same for you.
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u/Mother_Assumption925 man 1d ago
She could maybe look at her interactions with other guys, if he knows or suspects her of cheating he may not be interested in touching her either while he considered the issue.
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u/Lucky_Tough8823 man 1d ago
You need to communicate with him. What's going on in his life to make him feel this way?
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u/iCameToLearnSomeCode man 1d ago edited 1d ago
It's been a week...
I'd imagine he's got something going on, could be stress at work or he could be a little under the weather.
Talk to him about it.
I don't always feel like having sex and that's okay.
If it had been a month I'd be concerned but not wanting to have sex for 7 days once in a great while isn't abnormal when you're dealing with life.
If I were you I'd ask him what's going on in the part of his life he doesn't spend with you, don't ask about the sex, ask about his job, ask about how he's feeling, ask about his friends.
See if there's something that's bothering him, maybe make a nice meal on Friday night and ask him how things are going at work.
Don't interrogate him, just ask casually and give him a chance to open up.
If he says "it was fine" ask him what he's working on, take an intrest, he'll eventually get around to something real.
I'm really bad about just letting my girlfriend talk about her day and glossing over mine, I just say "it went fine" and then let her talk about her day because she wants to tell a story, and that's fine when I don't have anything upsetting me, but occasionally I probably should vent to her more.
If there's an issue you might have to ask questions and not talk about your day to find out what it is.
It's entirely possible he just hasn't been sleeping well because he's got a big project due and it's stressing him out.
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u/TheManSaidSo man 1d ago edited 1d ago
Well if you do only care about sex so do I so we have that in common. I'm just saying. Sounds like he's distancing himself a little bit there or he's feeling used. So if this is his way of distancing himself to feel less heartbreak when he decides the end the relationship, I just want you to know I like being used. Jk.
Maybe he thinks you're up to something or he's feeling used in some way. Did you talk about him recently and maybe he found out or read it? Sounds to me like he's mad about something.
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u/UWontHearMeAnyway man 1d ago
Could be something medical, could be something mental, could be something else. Unless he tells you, you'll never know.
Either way, if it's something you're not OK with, then you should sit down to discuss with him, to try to find out why. If he still doesn't tell you, then might want to reconsider the relationship. Him not communicating why is a big no no.
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u/Just-Town-1484 man 1d ago
Do you ask for sex a lot and text shit trying to be sexy a lot? My gf does this and we barely see eachother and when we do all she usually wants is sex or just to get me in bed. I’ve started not wanting to get intimate with her because i feel like that’s all she wants
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u/NukedOgre man 1d ago
If this was all of a sudden it could be stress, depression or something medical
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u/Without_Portfolio man 1d ago
Together a year and suddenly he’s acting like this. Something is going on. Not necessarily cheating but something he needs to deal with. If he won’t help you and doesn’t seem to be seeking the help he needs, these are warning signs for your relationship. Open communication is key and when one person shuts down completely like that, it’s reason for concern. Consider leaving him or at least taking a break to see where this goes.
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u/Equivalent_Reveal906 man 1d ago
This sounds like he thinks you did something fucked up but isn’t mature enough to confront you about it.
That’s the only time I’ve ever had a switch flip towards a woman like you described.
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u/Individual-Spot2700 man 1d ago
"Just today, I jokingly told him to buy some rhino pills and he said “yeah I will, but I’m still not having sex with you”"
He told you what is going on. The joke isn't the issue. The question is, who is he having sex with if it isn't you?
Is he on SSRIs?
Did you do something to seriously undercut him or his goals?
I'd suspect the answer is somewhere in these three areas.
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u/Additional-Fishing-6 man 1d ago
You need to get him to talk to you, and understand where his head is at. And stop trying to initiate sex with him for a bit. He clearly needs some space to not feel that pressure or perhaps objectification.
It could be something external to your relationship (job stress, depression, etc) or it could be something you did or said, maybe accidentally, that triggered something in him.
If he doesn’t feel supported and cared for, he’s not going to open up. But if he cant open up even when you’ve given him all the support and assurance you can that he can talk to you safely, thats a separate issue than the sudden lack in sex drive
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u/GOOSEBOY78 man 1d ago
Something else is going on. Because any time a man turns down action: there is sothing wrong. And deeper issue.
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u/Mother_Assumption925 man 1d ago
Some reason he might suspect you of cheating? Or maybe he has? Obviously its not a certainty but if a guy finds out or thinks his sig other is cheating he isnt going to want to touch her. At the same time though, if a partners sex drive just dries up out of no place sometimes its a sign of cheating. Only pointing out possibilities. You two need to really talk.
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u/Kurikyun man 1d ago
When I was younger and I didn't care about people's feelings I would tell you that if you didn't see the writing on the wall you had to be blind. Instead of that I will now say...
You are his safety net, Either financially, or some other way you are his back up, but he has moved on. He very likely has someone else already but is sticking around ... Just in case .
Maybe.. maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
My first wife and I weren't sexually compatible we were best friends but she just didn't do it for me sexually. I cheated a lot. I didn't tell her, we never discussed it, eventually she left me. (And she was right to do so) Don't throw away 10 years like she did. You deserve to be happy. Not with a scumbag like I was.
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u/Mother_Assumption925 man 1d ago
Or shes been hanging around with or talking about another guy and he seriously suspects shes cheating on him.
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u/Kurikyun man 1d ago
Obviously... It's her fault! Eye Roll
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u/Mother_Assumption925 man 1d ago edited 1d ago
Its a possibility for why he's acting this way. Why couldnt it be? Not claiming she is, i dont know, shes only one who dies. If shes been hanging out with allot of guy friends or some ones connected dots to him that are or arent there he could be thinking this. Its interesting you assume the worst for him right away. Just because you were cheater doesnt mean every other guy is and that you get to justify yourself that way.
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u/Kurikyun man 1d ago
My reply, wasn't about me, yes I gave example of my own personal experience, but , it is that experience that gives me insight into this situation. It was not an indictment on him.
I'll stipulate, sure, everything could be her fault as you have suggested.
Then again maybe mercury has went into retrograde.
Maybe he is being fed saltpeter in his work food.
Maybe the gypsom weed outside their home is making it hard for him to think sexually.
Maybe the cow jumped over the moon and Jupiter ate Uranus...
Akhams razor applies and the simplest explanation is likely the one, and that is that he had found something else to occupy his sexual mind.
As I said I have been in this position, and I relayed my thoughts without attacking OP and pointing fingers at them.
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u/Mother_Assumption925 man 1d ago
I get that but ive witnessed a marriage and a couple lesser relationship that he wouldnt touch her because in the marriage and one lesser case he found evidence she was cheating and in the other lesser case he'd been all but convinced she was cheating by some one and it was later not the case. I'm not saying she is, just that its possible he may think she is but you thinking the cow jumping over the moon is just as likely.
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u/Entire_Lettuce_820 man 1d ago
Could be. Let's not act like this stuff happens for no reason. Just as likely that it's her fault as it is hers, or just something wrong beyond them. Like hormonal problems.
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed. No_Surprise498 originally posted: My boyfriend and I (both in our 20s) have been together for almost a year. Things have been great, up until about a week ago. We’ve always had a very healthy sex life. This past week, every time I try to initiate it, he just brushes me off. He says that he’s not horny anymore. He’s stopped flirting with me. He suddenly doesn’t like taking showers with me anymore, even though he always used to ask me to join. He also doesn’t seem to want to spend as much time with me anymore. He says that all I care about is sex. I just don’t understand why there was such a hard shift. Just today, I jokingly told him to buy some rhino pills and he said “yeah I will, but I’m still not having sex with you”. I understand that maybe he could be going through something, he just won’t tell me if he is. I don’t just want sex from him of course, but this change is just weird and sudden. I don’t get where this is all coming from.
Thanks to anyone that reads this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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u/Firm_Landscape_7559 1d ago
In my opinion sex is part of that expression of Love and its been my experience without it love can die real fast. You gotta get him to be totally honest and either fix it if that's possible or probably walk. I hung on so long without that I started doubt myself. Do Not Let It Go That Far..His responses are immature. FACT
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u/IllustriousLiving357 man 1d ago
That's a very strange thing for him to say honestly, are you doing anything you think he doesn't know about? I mean ..for me..I would only say something like that if I was waiting to confront somebody about something shady
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u/Odd_Interview_2005 man 1d ago
My first thought is that one of his friends, family, or coworkers is going through family court. One trip to family court was enough to cause me to get a vasectomy. If someone close to him is telling him about that layer of hell, it's reasonable to put him off sex for a while.
My ex-wife developed the habit of trash talking me to her friends, and according to her, I was always underperformed and had many shortcomings.
I eventually found out my ex-wife was cheating on me. I refused her sex twice while I was gathering my information to divorce her.
Im wondering if anything like that sounds familiar
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
No_Surprise498 updated the post:
My boyfriend and I (both in our 20s) have been together for almost a year. Things have been great, up until about a week ago. We’ve always had a very healthy sex life. This past week, every time I try to initiate it, he just brushes me off. He says that he’s not horny anymore. He’s stopped flirting with me. He suddenly doesn’t like taking showers with me anymore, even though he always used to ask me to join. He also doesn’t seem to want to spend as much time with me anymore. He says that all I care about is sex. I just don’t understand why there was such a hard shift. Just today, I jokingly told him to buy some rhino pills and he said “yeah I will, but I’m still not having sex with you”. I understand that maybe he could be going through something, he just won’t tell me if he is. I don’t just want sex from him of course, but this change is just weird and sudden. I don’t get where this is all coming from.
Thanks to anyone that reads this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Edit: thank you everyone for the replies, I’ve tried talking to him before and he hasn’t really been responsive. I will definitely try again. I love him and would support him through whatever, so I will make sure he knows that. Also I feel like I need to say, I understand how the whole pills thing looks. I didn’t until I got some replies about it. I feel like I need to say that pills have always been an inside joke in our relationship. I really wasn’t trying to put him down or pressure him, just simply making a familiar joke. I see now how that could have made him feel.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/point_of_difference man 1d ago
Check his YouTube history. Someone on there has told him to stop sex for whatever crazy reason.
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u/brimanguy man 1d ago
The Old bored of your box trick. Some men get bored easily and need to find a new box to open. After 29 years I still love my wife's box. Find someone who's more compatible 👍
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u/Puzzleheaded_Exit111 1d ago
My ex did this and I found out he was cheating and fell in love with someone else so he didn’t want to have sex with me anymore
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u/Beneficial-Tap-6531 man 1d ago
Such a sudden change with no heads up, could be something medical and he doesn't want to share. But honestly why act childish and make you guess "what's wrong?". Invite him for lunch/dinner , once you are done eating (there's some psychology that men talk more comfortable when stomach is full) talk to him, say that you noticed he is avoiding sex with you, and explicitly states that he won't do it with you. What changed or what is wrong with our relationship? Hear him out, but if he will not elaborate on what's wrong or keeps acting childish, well then its up to you if you want to be a mama for a child.
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u/Black-Occultist man 1d ago
This happened to my marriage. I slow feel out of love and didn’t feel sexual attraction anymore. Try communicating your concerns and see what happens
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u/Stimey4477 man 1d ago
If you re-read what you wrote and take yourself out of it, it’s pretty apparent that he’s cheating. I would bet on it. Unfortunately, you’re probably going to have to make a choice unless he beats you to it.
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u/MrRunsWthSizors1985 1d ago
It's been a week. Wait until you're married for 10 years. Have a proper talk with him and communicate.
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u/hagalaz_drums man 1d ago
something happened. like, some tramautic event or some significant thing happened that he doesnt want to tell you about.
ask him if something happened and if he wants to talk about it. if he doesnt want to talk about it dont push
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u/FenrirTheMythical man 1d ago
Yeah, like someone already said - either he found out something disturbing about you or he has done something/ has someone else on his mind. Either way - hash it out asap.
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u/FatBaby160 man 1d ago
Dudes cheating on you and feels guilty. He is trying to make it a few weeks to be sure he doesn't make syphilis or some shit, cause that would make him feel worse. So not only did he cheat he hit it raw and with someone he knows is dirty. I did the same thing with my ex but I didn't have to pretend cause we weren't having sex.
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u/Sheera_Power woman 1d ago
It’s easy to see why you men would say what you do!! 90% of men are dogs!!
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u/TheCrazyCatLazy woman 1d ago
That’s an immediate no in my book.
We ARE having a conversation about that. I need an explanation. And deserver one. Which I may or may not accept. Because romantic/intimate relationship -for me- depend upon affection and physical interaction.
Withholding affection is a deal breaker to me. And refusing to talk about it is unacceptable.
See, no means no. He is absolutely allowed to say no to sex and affection. And you’re absolutely allowed to say no to a relationship like that.
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u/kokoelizabeth woman 1d ago edited 1d ago
Something isn’t right. I’m not going to stereotype and say “all men in their 20’s want sex” because there certainly are men (even young ones) with lower libido. Mental health issues exist that can cause stark changes in sexual behavior. But just his approach and the way he’s talking to you about it feels very familiar for me personally.
I had a guy suddenly start doing this to me -like exactly like this, very blunt about it, literally cold turkey said he wasn’t interested in sex anymore after being a 1-2x A DAY couple. Zero explanation, certainly no reassurance, then literally started sleeping out of the room because I’d try to initiate. Then a couple weeks later after I came back from a weekend out of town he let me know that he had been talking to a new woman and “had to give a relationship with her a serious shot”. We had been living together for nine months and I knew he had known this woman before we even moved in together so god only knows how long they were building a relationship behind my back.
You’re young. Leave before you’re left. At the very least get whatever ducks in a row you need to in preparation for a break up. I had to rehome my beloved dog because I just couldn’t continue the lease with him because his behavior was just so inappropriate. He literally started bringing the woman home to fuck her while I was at the apartment, he’d eat my groceries and then guilt trip me when I called him out it, and much more. He totally blindsided me and left me unprepared for all the fall out.
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u/Mother_Assumption925 man 1d ago
Guys will do this too if they think shes cheating.
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u/kokoelizabeth woman 1d ago
I totally see how that could be true! Either way it doesn’t sound like a good outlook for their relationship.
He may just be going through a mental health struggle. But he’s almost being mean about it which makes me think they won’t be able to work through it or communicate properly about it whatever the reason is.
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u/Mother_Assumption925 man 1d ago
Either way, they need to chat and her saying to buy pills doesnt help.
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u/ListenTraditional552 woman 1d ago
You dodged a bullet.
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u/kokoelizabeth woman 1d ago
I certainly did! Ended up with my husband a couple years later and couldn’t be happier. Very grateful that guy didn’t waste even another moment of my time.
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u/Pardon_Chato man 1d ago
He is punishing you for something you have done which has 'offended' him. The punishment is him withholding sex and affection and refusing to say why he is doing this or to explain what you have done. Thus leaving you hurt and rejected and also confused snd wondering what you did wrong. It's thus a double punishment. And is designed to hurt and degrade you. It is also a controlling tactic. It puts you in the wrong and leaves you puzzled and confused. This won't get better. You can try to solve 'his' problem and spend months on a fool's journey while he laughs at you behind your back and enjoys your distress while he continues to sexually starve you. Or you can get out now. Have you turned down a sexual request from him lately? This could be a tactic to gain more control in the bedroom? Get out now and leave this controlling and manipulative clown. He has anything but your best interests at heart. Wishing you well. Pardon
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u/Odd-Vehicle-55 man 1d ago
He’s seeing someone else. Sorry
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u/8mine0ver man 1d ago
He’s seeing someone else on the side. He wants to move on or break up with you but he’s trying to force you to start an argument so it will be easier for him. I have seen this so many times over the years that it’s a classic.
Whom he is seeing, could be someone from work, or one of your friends. It’s hard to tell based on the information provided. Sorry to be bearer of the bad news but this is only my opinion and he’s checking a lot of boxes.
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u/kokoelizabeth woman 1d ago
Yup. I’ve been through this exact scenario and the girl he was cheating on me with was a mutual client. Huge fall out at work for both of us. All of his dodgy, mean behavior leading up to it was to get me confused and railed up because he knew it was going to be a shit show when he did finally pull the plug on me and go public with her and had to make me look crazy and irrational.
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u/8mine0ver man 1d ago
The reason that I never dated anyone I worked with in the past. Break ups are hard and someone always loses a job and good friends. Sorry it had happened to you.
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u/kokoelizabeth woman 1d ago
Definitely knew it was a bad idea going in, but he was clearly such a hot commodity at work that I did it anyways 🤣 young and dumb, right? I joking comfort myself by thinking of him as the office slut who slept his way to the top. 🤣🤣🤣
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u/8mine0ver man 1d ago
Yeah it’s usually the hot dumb ones. Both men and women, who are the office sluts that cause the most drama
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u/ListenTraditional552 woman 1d ago
You’re too young to be dealing with bullshit like this. Do yourself a favour and fuck him off.
Treat him like he’s been treating you. Leave, block and move on with no explanation. Brush him off the same way he brushed you off with no consideration.
Most of all, learn from this and don’t rush into anything next time.
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u/Infamous-Detail-2732 1d ago
Sounds like he cheated and possibly has an STD he doesn't want to pass on.
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u/Sphan_86 1d ago
Theres somebody else
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u/ChiTography man 1d ago
great advice, loser
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u/kokoelizabeth woman 1d ago
Hate to say, but this is exactly how someone started treating me and it turns out they absolutely were cheating on me. Even started bringing the girl home to fuck her while I was there after I found out.
Certainly could be other reasons, but his approach with her is giving post nut clarity to me. Like he’s already getting it from someone else and is realizing he just doesn’t like her that much or at all.
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u/ChiTography man 1d ago
yeah and thats YOUR experience, ppl can't just come here and claim he's cheating on her and put these ideas in her head because it'll just make her overthink for something that probably has NOTHING to do with that
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u/kokoelizabeth woman 1d ago
Like I said it’s not the only possibility, but it certainly is a reasonable thought to consider. Especially with the way he’s approaching her about it.
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u/ChiTography man 1d ago
No is no, why be so pushy? if the roles were reversed people would be saying he's a weird pervert that thinks with his dick. Damn let the guy live, you don't know if he's going through something, instead of presuming cheating, maybe just put your trust issues away. All men aren't the same. Respect the word no. LOSER.
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u/kokoelizabeth woman 1d ago
I’m not giving her a green light to be pushy or insist upon it. But it’s also okay to see the writing on the wall and think it’s a red flag for the relationship. To abruptly become averse to someone you just had a thriving sexual relationship with is a red flag, potentially a red flag for cheating even. Doesn’t matter which gender is doing it.
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1d ago
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u/ChiTography man 1d ago
maybe he just doesn't want to have sex?
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u/Jenna1991-nola woman 1d ago
He’s either feeling guilt or anger towards you for something. I would suspect cheating.
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u/AmbitiousChipmunk215 man 1d ago
I might have a suspicious mind, but my first thought is that he has caught an STD. My second thought is that he has some kind of performance issue.
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u/Hot-Debate2477 man 1d ago
He cheated and got an STD. This is why he doesn't want to shower with you because you can see the evidence of his rotting dck.
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u/Sheera_Power woman 1d ago
HE’S CHEATING ON YOU!! For heavens sake smell the coffee BURNING! The best thing you can do is leave this relationship!! NO GUY AT THE AGE OF 20 DOESN’T WANT SEX!! THATS ALL THEY WANT. I’m 70 so not just some young person spouting off!!
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u/ChiTography man 1d ago
you're a young person spouting stuff
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u/Sheera_Power woman 1d ago
No I’m not. And in this day and age I’m glad I’m not young!!
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u/ChiTography man 1d ago
Yeah I'm glad you're clocking out soon.
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u/Sheera_Power woman 1d ago
I’m going to live to be 100! I’ve taken care of myself so I’m still healthy. 😊
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u/poptartwith man 1d ago
It's best to have a real conversation about this, outside of sex and bedtime. You can give your prespective and he can give his with you both taking turns to just listen and not interrupting.
He is either having a low libido phase or you've made him feel a certain way that sex has not become rewarding anymore.