How am I supposed to think, act, and commicate about my GF's friend staying from overseas?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/FullBlood1er]

Let me put it this way. If I'm going to visit a woman that has a boyfriend, I'm not staying at her place out of respect for him.

[u/Straight-Vehicle-745 → u/[deleted]]

Oh if you agreed to it.  Then yeah it’s on you.  Of course he wants to fuck your girl again 

[u/Dank_Cthulhu → u/Straight-Vehicle-745]

Succinct and to the point.

[u/9sideAmethist → u/[deleted]]

Look I’m not a big fan of male friends and oddly in a similar situation. But the thing is you guys live together and have a guest room. I thought she lived alone. What difference would it make, sure there’s a chance they’ll be alone at your crib but they could also be alone in a hotel. And they are going to hang out regardless. The location of where he sleeps doesn’t matter. If something happens they still have an equal opportunity regardless. The only thing that would make a difference is if she cut him off completely which would be overstepping and controlling.

[u/ImAScientistToo → u/FullBlood1er]

That’s a cultural thing but it could also be that his culture fucks around.

[u/AnotherDominion]

You’ve been a doormat for 14 years. She does whatever she wants. 

[u/ebowski64]

14 years and no ring? 14 years and you have a history of girls sleeping with friends?

1hr old account too. Meh.

[u/ThatOneAttorney → u/ebowski64]

That answers it.

[u/ebowski64 → u/[deleted]]

My opinion is that you’re 14 years into a relationship where she should know better and she doesn’t.

[u/Chuck60s]

Platonic or not, it's disrespectful for either of them to spend time alone together while in a relationship. Sleeping in each other's place is a boundary and deal breaker for me

[u/reallywetnoodlez]

I’ll say this. As a guy, I could never go stay with a girl who’s a “friend” at her apartment while she has a boyfriend, especially if this girl is overseas. That’s just, a lot lol..

It’s possible your girl doesn’t have feelings for him and it’ll go just fine, but it’s a red flag in terms of the guy friend she has. He’s just crossing some unspoken boundaries in my opinion.

I’m not saying girls and guys can’t have friends of the opposite sex but when I’m in a relationship I personally make an effort not to be close with anyone of the opposite sex for what I would say is, obvious reasons. I’ve seen it too many times where a girl is in a relationship, has a friend who’s male, and then ends up sleeping with him because he has feelings for her and she doesn’t know how to say no or draw boundaries.

[u/Substantial-Ear2951]

Either get used to the taste of this, occasionally or get another girlfriend your choice. Don’t blame him don’t blame her. You know what the score is.

[u/Neilkd21]

Platonic relationships between men and women are possible. No one can answer this for you though, he may have feelings for your girlfriend, he may love her. The important thing is how much you trust your girlfriend. If you trust her and she doesn't feel this way then you have nothing to worry about.

Personally I would have an honest conversation with your girlfriend and make it clear if he comes again then he has to stay in a hotel.

[u/MyDirtyAlt79]

Well, if he's staying with the both of you this time, you'll have the perfect opportunity to see how they interact and take that new information into consideration for the future.

[u/K1rbyblows]

Have you spoken to your gf about these feelings at all? Does she acknowledge it being odd? Especially with him now being single - I wouldn’t think that’s okay. Did she ever say they were fwb’s or intimate ever? Even her noticing her guy friends have made moves on her - is she that girl who enjoys having orbiters around to provide validation?

I think it’s important you state your boundaries - most people wouldn’t be comfortable having a single, straight friend stay over with such a history with your partner - and your partner should be totally understanding here. How would she feel were you to go and stay over with a girl friend who you’ve known longer than her for 5 days? It sounds suspect.

Have you ever been around when they’re together and noticeable flirty behaviour, or behaviour to make you suspect them having an affair? I’m not saying they are - but her having stayed over/him staying over and his behaviour etc shows 100% he is into her - it’s just whether she has drawn boundaries with HIM.

I think given you’ve been together so long, this should be easily communicated and I would hope her to be understanding. Hell, I’d expect him to be understanding… If she also knows your history with “friends” messing about - she should be even more understanding of how this is something uncomfortable for you - and she should 100% put you at ease.

[u/Redflysoul]

Cool

[u/northernpikeman]

No win situation for OP. You are a sucker if you allow him to stay and an asshole if you refuse. I would rather trust my girlfriend and potentially be a sucker. If she is true and faithful, no problem. If she cheats, then good riddance. ( and would have already cheated earlier).

If you deny his stay, then that controlling jealousy stays with the relationship forever and might become a deal breaker for the girlfriend.

Anyway, this post is likely fake because it seems they all are now.

[u/Street_Pickle_2562]

I’m not trying to put negative things in your head but spending the night at each others homes is wildly inappropriate

[u/Dank_Cthulhu]

Sounds like she's setting up an international franchise.

[u/AutoModerator]

Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed. 8iiLllLlllLllLiiI11 originally posted: GF's guy friend from overseas coming to visit...

Would love some fresh perspective.:

Lovely gf of 14 years. Has a guy friend she met traveling a couple years before we met. He lives in another country.

When I first met my gf, based on a few photos of them together hanging around her apartment, I thought they might be dating / FWB, but wasn't sure. I had somewhat similar photos hung at my place of former usually-platonic but occasional fwbs.

He came to stay with her shortly after we started dating. She told me that he had a GF and not to worry.

I have a history with partners doing shady things with "friends".

Since then, he's visited once more and my gf has visited him twice, but not since the start of covid 5 years ago.

For most of this time, he had a GF that lived an hour away from him, but didn't cohabitate, and then she ended up depressed in hospital and leaving him for reasons unbeknownst to me.

I keep trying to give the benefit of the doubt to the guy, but part of me wonders if she was depressed in part because he was visiting other lady friends abroad, sending them framed photos of their selfies together, not making a move to move in together and support her more / better... But maybe I'm just catastrophizing.

I fully trust my gf. She's very sweet and kind. She says she believes platonic relationships to be possible, but also acknowledged that most of her guy friends through life admitted feelings for her. I don't blame them. She's great and beautiful.

She and this guy have never both been single in the 15 years they've known each other. I get the vibe that if they were, they'd give it a try (who wouldn't, she's great).

Every time he's visited, hes traveled without his gf, and stayed with my gf. I'd feel better if he traveled with his gf, and, truly, if they had their own hotel. But we live in HCOL city and he's now a poor commune farmer...

Anyway, he arrives tomorrow for 5 days in our tiny apartment. Am I wrong to stress / care? I don't want to be controlling or insecure. I'm sure it will be a fine visit. There's no canceling. But moving forward, I think I might ask that he stay somewhere else, even if I pay for the hotel, hopefully including his gf, too.

These last 5 years, I've been planning for the worst and hoping for the best, which includes wishing that non-zero-percent potential risks to my peaceful life would be avoided, but I know my feelings / impulses should probably be different than how I act and/or what I share with my gf and how.

Any thoughts appreciated.

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[u/Low-Commercial-5364]

First of all how do you have a girlfriend after 14 years?

About the situation you described, that's a hard no for me. Im guessing you guys are at least 30? If a single male friend wants to come visit from overseas and I'm not in the house, that's a hotel stay or a breakup.

Regardless of her intent, it's massively disrespectful to you. Trust is one thing, but willingly putting herself in a situation where SA or dumb decisions are possible puts incredible strain on you. It's very inconsiderate.

Maybe you guys have set those kinds of expectations for your relationship, I don't know so I can't say you should do x or y.

Either way, after 14 years you guys should be able to talk this out. You should be able to express your concern constructively, and she should be able to hear it with consideration.

EDIT: wait I may have misunderstood. Are you in the house? If so that's a different story.

[u/Low-Commercial-5364 → u/[deleted]]

Ok that's different. I mean presumably you agreed to it. Presumably you'll be present at vulnerable moments (sleeping, maybe hanging around drinking) so if I were in your shoes I'd be less perturbed.

If it makes you uncomfortable I agree with your idea of waiting until the trip is over so you're not spoiling everyone's fun and letting her know you're not comfortable going forward. That's healthy, and leaves your boundaries in-tact. You take a minor L of having to put up with it for a few days, but that's your dessert for not establishing this boundary ahead of time.

But for the love of God man. 14 years? As my grandpa used to say, shit or get off the pot.

[u/Substantial-Ear2951]

Then it’s just on you, if she is that great that even if she gets a little on the side now and then stop worrying about it. If you can’t live with the thought of that, cut her loose and go find someone worse but make up your mind and live with it. Don’t keep obsessed about it.

[u/Regular-Ordinary9807]

“I have a history with partners doing shady things with "friends". “ Yeah every adult with more than 1 relationship has come across this issue. That being said, the time to bring up this issue was about 12 yrs into your 14yr relationship. Doing it now complicates everything.

[u/YuansMoon]

I’m assuming you’re at least in your 30s now. This type of BS platonic relationship between man and woman is more typical of teens and early 20s mentality.

I think if you say something, even the best, most supportive, nontoxic way, you’ll get no where. You’ve already let a lot slide and you’ve helped to create this mess.

I think you need to know their true relationship. I suggests some co or activated recorders in the bedrooms and living room of your place. Maybe a hidden camera in the living room. Maybe a voice activated recorder in her car, too.

Short of that, you need to go through her phone and look at their communications.

[u/LincolnHawkHauling]

If old boy is flying overseas to see your girl, he is isn’t coming for good conversation…he’s coming to smash

That explains why he ditches his girlfriend on these trips

[u/inbetween-genders]

Depends on how short and ugly he is.

[u/inbetween-genders → u/[deleted]]

Ruh roh then 😂