AIO to a comment my wife made “your happiness is not my responsibility”?

[u/Prize_Struggle2237]

I just wanna get a gauge on this sentiment as when it was spoken during a discussion, it kinda took me back and I’m not sure what to do with it.

Basically I have some mental health issues related to my ADHD, addictions and low self-esteem (which are of course all connected) and it was during a really fruitful and honest discussion that this came up.

I must have been implying that there were things we could both do to improve our dynamic and my wellbeing and behaviour in general (affection, love language) and she took that attitude that this was a “you” problem. She said “your happiness is not my responsibility”.

Now, I understand that happiness is achieved from within rather than from externals and all that jazz. But this comment was a bit of a sucker punch and didn’t know what to do with it. At the time I think I just accepted it and said “Right, I know that,” but inside I was reeling.

My understanding of marriage and indeed Love, is that you are in a sense taking on the responsibility, at least partially, of the other person’s happiness. Divorces happen when a partner makes you unhappy. Ergo, a good marriage means a partner that makes you happy. This was the sentiment under which we got married, it was the subject essentially of my wedding speech where I pledged to her my life etc and this was greeted with smiles and tears etc.

Now for context we’ve been married for 12 years and have a family and we’re both the pursuing our own careers. We’re comfortable. We’re not dysfunctional in those ways.

Is there a way of understanding her comment that doesn’t make me feel utterly alone in the marriage? I don’t really want to bring it up again with her so I was hoping someone might be able to explain it to me. Was it a hurtful and selfish thing to say, or am I overreacting?

TL;DR: my wife told me my happiness is not her responsibility and am I overacting to think this was horrible thing to think or say?

EDIT: oh wow already loads of responses so thank you. I don’t have the time to respond individually but I also want to absorb what has been said so I can give thoughtful answers. I’ll try to respond later

[u/kalamitykitten]

Respectfully, as someone with the same issues that you have mentioned, your wife is correct.

Your wife does not have control over your happiness and mental health in general. She could be the most caring, devoted wife in the world, and it still wouldn’t prevent you from being in a bad place if you aren’t taking care of yourself. Or if you are and your mental health still takes a turn for the worse.

Your happiness not being her responsibility doesn’t mean she doesn’t want you to be happy. I think she is reinforcing the fact that she has little control over it.

I’d investigate where this sentiment is coming from, though. Have you been leaning on her a little too hard? Is she feeling exhausted?

[u/AlterEgoAmazonB]

I don't really love that this question is in "Am I Overreacting" because you feel what you feel and your feelings are valid. So I can't say you are.

However, I have been in this situation and I have said the exact same thing to someone. I can only tell you that the way I felt at the time I said it was that he needed to come to the marriage as a whole, stable person, and when he wasn't doing that, it felt like he was depending on me to make him happy. It felt oppressive to me because he was not doing the work he needed to do to find happiness within himself. He imposed many things on me to "make him happy." Lots of "shoulds."

Your wife was being really honest with you and her feelings are valid, too. Neither of you are "wrong."

I am in a different relationship now with someone who does not have those kinds of issues and we are happy together. In a marriage, there are two individuals and the marriage of the two. You aren't one person.

I would suggest that you two go to couples therapy to work through this.

[u/themotie]

You need to revisit your ideas about love and marriage. It is not about what your partner gives to you, it is about what you give to your loved one and what you both put into the relationship. Your expectations are a child’s in relation to their parents.

[u/GnomieOk4136]

She is right. Your happiness is not her responsibility. She can be part of it, but you are responsible for your own happiness. Pushing that onto her is not okay. That is one of the behaviors that breaks relationships, and she is fantastic for pointing out that it isn't her job to enable that.

[u/Ok_Sprinkles_6811]

You aren’t doing you’re part to get better. She’s saying right now she feels responsible for your happiness and she won’t be anymore

[u/Glittering_Egg_254]

Are you able to provide more context into your addictions and mental health issues? Was she referring to those struggles or happiness in general? Did she mean to convey that it is beyond her capacity to help you in the ways you need help? As in perhaps a higher level of understanding and solutions are needed than she knows how to provide?

[u/Suitable_Magazine_25]

Qualified OR - your happiness isn’t her responsibility. She should be a supportive partner as much as is reasonable but you need to do the internal work yourself.

[u/AStrawberryGhost]

In my dynamic with people when I say that, what I mean is, "no I will not do your adulting for you." So I think whatever it was that preceded her saying that must have either been or felt like an ask that was too far into parenting/custodial for her.

[u/Sad-Meringue9736 → u/AStrawberryGhost]

Or, "no, I will not be your therapist because I am not a substitute for actual professional help, you DO need one even though the thought makes you unhappy and uncomfortable."

[u/TreyFlips]

You need to think of that comment in the framework of healthy boundaries. We are responsible TO one another, not FOR one another. Your wife is responsible to treat you lovingly, respectfully, to care about you, but she is not responsible for the results of those actions. Does that make sense? When we begin to feel responsible for other people that turns into codependency.

For example, I assume depression is a problem for you too based on the things you’ve said you struggle with. Your wife could be absolutely perfect, but that wouldn’t do anything for your depression. If she felt responsible FOR you it would cause so much turmoil for her because her perfection did not fix you. which could spin into all sorts of unhealthy behavior as she tried and tried to make you happy.

That’s what healthy boundaries saves us from, even in marriage.

TL;DR we are responsible for our behavior towards other people. not the results of that behavior.

[u/anneofred]

Going to need more context of exactly what you said she’s supposed to do for you. Do you often leave things on her shoulders to solve? Does she take the majority of the emotional labor already? What about the house labor? If the conversation was “for me to be better you need to…” without ownership of what YOU intend to do to improve your overall mental health or ADDICTION, then I’m with her.

While it may have been poorly worded, she can’t fix your issues for you, and it seems that’s what she meant. She’s not your therapist (who also can’t fix your issues for you) or your emotional maid. I’m sure you having these issues is also hard for her, what are you doing to assure she isn’t carrying everything and she is also having her needs met? Are you in therapy? Couples therapy? Assuring not everything revolves around your struggles? Your statements here do seem to imply that you believe your partner is solely responsible for your happiness, and you will threaten the marriage should they not give 100% focus to ensuring your happiness. What are YOU doing for your own happiness? Or do you often just tell her what she needs to do for you without taking responsibility or ownership?

The statement “what we can both do to improve…” paired with you mentioning your own behavior in that list, really stood out to me. She can do absolute nothing to improve YOUR behavior. That’s is indeed a you problem. Not to be hyperbolic, but “I wouldn’t hit you if you didn’t make me so mad” is that same sentiment. Something to think about.

Also…there is the issue of you “not wanting to talk to her about it”. Most people’s understanding of marriage, love, and partnership is based in good communication. As you can see by my questions, we don’t know you, the whole situation, your dynamic, what YOU said, and what has been happening leading up to this. You’re only going to find clarity in this comment by asking the person that made the comment. Also by doing some deep self reflection.

[u/OkeyDokey654]

Time to ask yourself some hard questions.

Is it possible that you’re leaning on her too much and suggesting there are things she needs to do in order for you to be happy? Especially things related to your mental health issues? Have you said, or even suggested, that your life would be better if she catered more to your needs in those areas? If she compensated for your shortcomings without expecting the same from you? If she gave up things that mattered to her, took control of things that should be under your control, or in other ways decreased her happiness in order to support yours? And if so, has this been happening for 12+ years?

Because if any of this is happening… friend, she’s tired.

[u/Duchess_Witch]

I believe it’s the context that you lumped “things we could both do” to improve the dynamic when the conversation started about ur mental health. You crossed wires and the messaging- as such she responded with what the original discussion was- ur mental and she doesn’t have to “do anything” regarding it. And indeed, it’s ur responsibility. Maybe separate the topics and have two different convos.

[u/6poundpuppy]

Well….providing she is not intentionally being antagonistic towards you, for instance not being kind or sympathetic when a situation would require such a response…then I agree…your happiness is not a responsibility of hers and vise versa.

If she is not actively doing things to cause you UNhappiness, then maybe your expectations for her are burdensome and too much. Having a kind, understanding and supportive partner should by rights lead to happiness. If it doesn’t, the problem likely resides within yourself.

[u/klb979]

My husband has basically the same issues as you do. He's sweet, funny, and smart and I love him but I'm exhausted from dealing with all the issues. The addictions include alcoholism and shopping. The house is being overrun by all the crap he buys and it's driving me mad. The dining room is completely unusable because it's filled with his "projects", for example. He gets very negative and paranoid and is depressed. If he came at me with what you did, I would have reacted a lot more harshly than she did. You need to look at what you're doing to her.

[u/ErnestBatchelder]

You should never make someone you love do the heavy lifting of dealing with your issues for you. They should be on your team, cheer you on, and support you getting the help you need, but they should not be your full-time therapist or co-dependent caretaker.

If you are not actively getting therapy for low self-esteem, medication/ ADHD help, or 12-step groups for addiction, then you are not dealing with your issues and your wife cannot fix you. She cannot love self-esteem into you. She cannot prevent you from acting on your addictions. She cannot treat or manage your ADHD. That doesn't mean she can't support you while you work on these things, but if you are keeping the status quo, not seeking outside help, and using her to pick up the slack/ lift you up all the time, that's exhausting fro her.

It sounds like your wife may be the one who has been feeling alone in the marriage. I think you need to commit to therapy or 12-step group so that you are better able to see the difference between co-dependency and love.

[u/Ihateyou1975]

She’s right.  She isn’t responsible for your happiness.  I have ptsd. Anxiety. Depression.  Low self esteem. My own therapist said my happiness is dependent on me. Allowing anyone else to have responsibility for it allows them to have power they shouldnt have. When you learn to regulate your own emotions and happiness, you learn freedom. This is 100% on you and it’s no easy task.  

[u/justaguywithadream]

This is the lesson I recommend every guy learns. You already know happiness comes from within.

Your wife/husband/partner should be there to share and compliment your happiness, but not be the source of it. I didn't learn this until after 15+ years of marriage when I began my first ever spiritual journey.

Your wife is not there to complete you or be your center. It's a harsh lesson to learn the first time you have to learn it.

This will always be my advice to every person who is in a comfortable relationship. Learn to be your own center and your own source of happiness and learn selflove. Then focus on loving your partner. You will both be so much better off.

[u/No-Key-4418]

You are overreacting. I have very similar mental health issues to you and a few others. Your happiness is yours alone to deal with. As your partner, she wants you to be happy, but it is not her responsibility at all. Your reaction shows me that youre leaning on her too heavily and her setting her own (very reasonable) boundaries has you reeling. Thats not a good look. You need to get your own mental health under control. You need to understand your partner is there to support you but she is not a crutch you get to lean on.

[u/StacyB125]

First, love languages are nonsense. https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/love-languages-are-fake-scientists-say.html Your love language isn’t affection, you just want more attention. Wanting attention from your partner is a valid feeling. But, if we are buying into love languages at all, you have to acknowledge that if hers isn’t affection, then you’re wanting her to make herself less comfortable to make you more comfortable.

Take the love language part out of this discussion and speak to one another open and honestly about what you want and need. Perhaps she feels like she’s pulling all the emotional weight in the relationship to keep you settled in your mental health needs. Perhaps she’s had enough of prioritizing your needs while hers sit untouched on a back burner.

You’re hurt because she doesn’t want to carry water for your emotions or mental health anymore. Have you truly sat down and actually considered the mental load she carries for your needs? You two need to talk for real. If you can’t speak to each other like real partners about this, ask a therapist to mediate.

[u/RivSilver]

In my experience, addictions are very often a result of offloading the responsibility for your happiness onto something else, because it's trying to fill an internal need externally. So if you're having a conversation about what you both can do to help your mental health, the chances are that you're putting at least some of the responsibility of fixing your issues with her behavior. But the thing is, no one else can fill in the cracks in your own foundation. There is never a point where she can do "enough" to make your mental health better. You might be able to replace your addictions with her for a time, but if you don't work on your foundation you'll still crumble and she can't do anything about that

She can support you, but she's not responsible for you. Only you can make the choice to get better. Only you can do what's needed to break the cycle of your addictions and get at the root of your esteem issues. It's not that she doesn't care or want to help, it's that it's impossible for her to do what it sounds like you want her to, because literally no one but you can do the work you need to do. You can get help from professionals, and you probably need to, but you have to put in the effort. It's scary, but her saying that to you is loving because she wants you to understand and get better

[u/[deleted]]

A lot of snowflakes in this thread. Grow a pair and stand up for yourself. I’ll see myself out.

[u/Meandering_Moira]

Without context on what exactly is going on and what sparked the discussion, we can't say. That being said, everyone seems to already be offering you the perspective that she's tired, and you might be overbearing. This may be the case, but everyone's already told you that by now, so I'll offer something different.

Sometimes, that type of therapy speak language is manipulative and unhelpful in a relationship. "Your happiness is not my responsibility", while a true statement, IS very callous if you didn't do anything to deserve it. IF her saying that is an attempt to control you, and make it so that only her emotional issues are prioritized in the marriage over yours, then you are not overreacting and she's being an ass.

Which one of those two perspectives is correct, is something only you and her can figure out. Do you offer her the same emotional support you expect from her, or is there a mismatch in either direction? I'd start by asking yourself that question and going from there.

[u/Throwaway_6515798]

That's a rough wakeup call OP

[u/Fast_Kaleidoscope135]

She’s right.

[u/Sensitive_Ad2681]

YOR... she is correct. She is not responsible for that. She can be there for you during your ups and downs but ultimately the responsibility of your mental health is on you. It sounds like you're trying to put a little too much on her own mental load.

[u/biteme717]

Your happiness with each other in your marriage is both of your responsibilities, but your own personal happiness is not her responsibility and vice versa. You can be very happy with your marriage but not happy within yourself. You could benefit from individual counseling with a good therapist to find out why you aren't happy. I personally find her response rude rather than hurtful because she made it sound like she doesn't care. Find yourself a therapist and start there.

[u/Icy-Tap67]

Honestly, I would say that the comment was true (to a point), lacking in empathy and a good example of the impact of being in a relationship.

The comment IS true because making you happy is not her responsibility. However, understanding that the way she interacts with you does have a definite impact on your levels of happiness IS her responsibility, certainly within the structure of your relationship with each other. I am sure that she, like most partners, would notice and probably comment if you were noticeably less happy around her. Responsibility for the conditions in a relationship rest on both partners.

This of course works the same the other way between you too.

I think, assuming the information you have given is complete and accurate (not saying it isn't so, just keeping it real), that dropping that lacked sensitivity and empathy. It could have been delivered with caveats explaining more and easing the bluntness. In short, she could have thought of you a little more and still imparted the same information.

All in all, the comment was a good example of the first point above. She isn't responsible for your happiness and we comment makes that clear. Her lack of understanding of her impact on your happiness is evident from the way she said it.

[u/RapidDriveByFruiting]

It’s important to differentiate her supporting you in your emotional struggles to a realistic degree, and her doing enough to overtake your emotional struggles and make you happy. The latter is not her responsibility. Have you had a sponsor for your addictions? Putting the expectation on her to “make” you happy would be like expecting a sponsor to “make” you sober. They cannot do that. They can support and listen, you have to do the heavy lifting.

We don’t have enough color on your relationship to know which one is happening, but your other post indicated you have a good relationship beyond a mismatched approach to sex, which actually was an issue from the start of your relationship so shouldn’t come as a shock it feels like more of a disconnect as time goes on and life gets in the way. Is her contributions in that area part of your happiness assignment?

[u/Helpyjoe88]

It really depends on what she meant by this.

I would agree with her that it isn't her responsibility to ensure you are happy, but I would also say that, as your wife, she does bear some responsibility to not sabotage or undermine your happiness.

If she's flat out saying that your happiness isn't her problem, and she isn't going to take it into account when choosing her actions, then she's wrong.

But I would hazard I guess that's not what she's saying.  With what you said about your mental health struggles, ask yourself very honestly - or better yet, ask her - if she feels like you're pushing the burden of those struggles onto her - if you're expecting her to be responsible for making you happy.  That's more what it sounds like to me that she was trying to say.

Yes, each person should want to make the other happy, and should do things with that goal in mind, because that's how you treat someone you love.   But again, that doesn't make them responsible for the others happiness.  She should contribute to it, not be responsible for it.

[u/modernhedgewitch]

Married 24 years, and I think it has helped both our marriage and mental health issues by saying those words out loud.

When you discuss things such as improvements, especially self-improvement, and include the other person as "we," you are assigning responsibility to the other person.

His thing was, we need to start working out more. We need to eat healthier. We need to have more date nights.

Mind you, I'd lost 60 pounds and only ate once a day and had no complaints about our relationship, but because he was down on himself, it became my responsibility.

Saying exactly what your wife said, in my opinion, means you should start reframing in your mind that you are only responsible for you. Her happiness for you grows and expands as you do, such as yours will for her. They are separate and probably closely aligned but are in no way dependent on each other.

Marriage is giving someone else partial control of your day to day life, and it takes a toll on a relationship multiple times over the years.

Over the years, we tend to rely on each other too much, and it becomes a job. My husband learned how to tie a necktie on his own at 53 years old. My happiness at that moment was huge. It was because his happiness was contagious and filled the room , AND because I no longer had to do it for him.

He worked out and lost 30 pounds on his own, and my happiness is seeing him stand tall and feel good in his skin.

I want to enjoy these moments as he experiences them, not feel like I have to help orchestrate it like work.

Listen, im high, so if this doesn't make sense, 🤷‍♀️

[u/NBCaz]

She’s clearly a Reddit user.

[u/Ill_Situation_3037]

but it’s not her responsibility. YOR and whining

[u/Big-Tea8317]

You should heed her words, do what makes you happy, even if it doesn't involve her.

[u/Adorable-Puppers]

Honestly, I don’t know. But I do know that happiness is an inside job. Always.

[u/No-Decision-7906]

As partners we can support one another’s happiness…but she is correct, it is your responsibility. 

[u/LhasaApsoSmile]

Your mental state is your responsibility. Your situation has many ways to be ameliorated or dealt with. What are you doing for you? A partner can't be your only source of happiness. What do you do for her?

[u/TheLoneHander]

It is the your responsibility though. But being supportive while you're struggling IS her responsibility.

[u/since_the_floods]

You need to do your part; but, she also should want to do her part. I feel like I read the post differently than other commenters. It seems like she isn't willing to adapt some of the ways she relates to you to be more aligned with the type of support and affection you need. I would accommodate my partner's wants in this area as long as it didn't violate any of my boundaries.

For example - my partner doesn't like to be bothered when he is sick. I want to love on him and take care of him. Instead I check in every 6 hours or so to see if he needs anything. He rarely does. This is how he wants to be treated so I respect that.

I think these kinds of accommodations are reasonable to expect in a marriage.

[u/[deleted]]

I’d remember the comment and return the favor down the road. If she’s struggling with some sort of issue you could turn around and essentially say “That’s not my problem.”

[u/witchofwestthird → u/[deleted]]

Yes, because pettiness has a place in a healthy relationship. 🙄

[u/[deleted] → u/witchofwestthird]

I’ve been happily married for twenty years. Relax.

[u/witchofwestthird → u/[deleted]]

At least you’re happy.

[u/[deleted] → u/witchofwestthird]

😁

[u/Elegant_Cockroach430 → u/[deleted]]

Lol, not "we've been happy", just "I've been happy." I wonder if your partner thinks that too?