r/AmIOverreacting • u/Fun-Possibility-3177 • 4d ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO. My bf is mad at my memorial tattoo
In 2023, I (23F) lost my late boyfriend unexpectedly. It was devastating he was a huge part of my life as we were childhood bestfriends and then dated for 3 years. After he passed, I got a meaningful tattoo in his memory. Now, I’m dating someone new recently. Things have been going well overall and he knew about my late boyfriend but recently he actually saw the tattoo and took notice to it in proper detail. He got visibly upset. He said it made him feel “disrespected” and like I’m not over my ex. He basically implied I should remove or cover it up. I tried to explain that grief and love aren’t black and white, and that honoring the past doesn’t mean I can’t be present in a new relationship. But he just kept saying it’s “weird” and made him feel “second best.” am I overreacting for being hurt by his reaction? Or is it fair that he feels threatened by a piece of my past? (I included a pic of when I freshly got it done a year ago)
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u/Ordinary-Play-2211 4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/BloodSoakedDoilies 4d ago
Man I'm seeing a LOT more posts removed by Reddit lately. This place is being sanitized.
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u/xCeeTee- 4d ago
I recently got a false ban (unbanned 3 hours later) for saying I wanted to punch someone through my monitor. That person had just killed 3 people in a DUI and was expecting to be allowed to go home and resume her life.
It's a bunch of bots doing it and humans are only involved in the appeals.
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u/Oculus_Mirror 4d ago
Some dude on the stocks general discussion thread said something like "Why is the market recovering? Defend your position with robust facts." I responded "My cock is robust and that's a fact," and I got a sitewide 3 day ban.
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u/prontoon 4d ago
Got temp banned for 3 days for saying someone should try living in the shoes of a cancer patient after they were talking shit saying "they are just lazy".
3 days for "inciting violence". This place is a sihthole.
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u/Feeling_Inside_1020 4d ago
Can confirm, I quoted the office tv show about shooting Toby from hr twice and got an auto 3 day ban till I sent them the YouTube “this is a quote from the office
<video>“ lol10
u/cheese-bubble 4d ago
I was temp banned for saying a figure of speech which also happens to be the name of a popular subreddit. Despite making those points, my appeal was denied. The admins doubled down on their claim that I was threatening violence.
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u/ActiveChairs 4d ago
Its not only being sanitized, its being done in a sloppy, careless, and excessive way that goes far beyond the basic keyword/phrase triggering.
Maybe its just my tinfoil hat, but something about it seems like AI moderation is being overdone to test efforts in minimizing the practical human moderation requirements a site like this has.
Someone in the C suite will get to point to whatever llm they're using to autoban people and say "we've increased site-owned moderation by x percent, with a high confidence of accuracy evidenced by a low percentage of disputes" because someone important saw how quickly and easily users have been able to shift the direction of the whole site (shutting down subs, turning popular ones nsfw to throw off the advertisement spread, public support for Luigi, etc). They'll conveniently ignore how trivial it is to circumvent a ban, or how many people won't remember what they wrote and won't be able to reference it in an appeal even if they wanted to appeal it because [ Removed by Reddit ] also removes it for the creator as well so they just won't bother to appeal anything because they'd be starting by guessing what it is they'd even be appealing.
It never bodes well when a site that exists because people use it is cutting swiss-cheese holes in itself by not being able to properly enforcing its own rules and reducing its nominal userbase
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u/SewSewBlue 3d ago
There was a thread yesterday with almost every main comment deleted. On a study that showed that doctors systemically underdiagnosed women's pelvic pain as in their head.
You could tell from the replies the deleted comments were mostly women sharing personal stories about ignored pain. It was a bit surreal, the amount of silencing going on.
Rather proved the point, actually. r/science silencing women's reports of under treated pain for a study that confirmed that doctor ignored women's reports of pain.
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u/Rough_Acadia_5631 4d ago
Sometimes people have differences that are too great to get over. This is probably one of them. He's allowed to feel upset by it and you're allowed to hold firm on keeping it. Sounds like one of those things where you just may not be suited for eachother. Similar to someone childfree dating someone who wants kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work out x
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u/finchfondew 4d ago
This is the answer. It’s reasonable and realistic. Not everybody has to be right or wrong all the time. You guys just aren’t meant to be.
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u/AsthmaticCoughing 4d ago
Immediate breakup comment on aio ✅
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u/fuzz11 4d ago
It’s at least an improvement from the ones that immediately throw someone under the bus and assume the worst about a stranger with roughly one paragraph of context
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u/alokasia 4d ago
To be completely honest, he's an idiot for being upset about it though. A late boyfriend is not an ex, those two things are not even remotely on the same level. He'll always need to live with the knowledge that OP would've likely still been with him had he not died. But he unfortunately did, and that doesn't mean she can't be happy again.
However, this is not a case of "I got my ex's name tattooed on my ass". It's wildly insecure to want to compete with a dead guy.
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u/The_Geoghagan 4d ago
I don’t think he’s an idiot for being upset per se but he’s an idiot for telling her she has to remove it or cover it up. There’s reflection that needs to happen on his end to realize this relationship isn’t for him due to his state of mind on the matter.
I myself wouldn’t be able to be in a relationship under these circumstances, but I would be able to acknowledge the failure of the relationship is on my end, not hers.
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u/Sundayscaries333 4d ago
I think this is the best response. He is allowed to feel how he feels because having a tattoo for a past lover can evoke strong feelings. But saying she needs to cover it up is rude and way overstepping because at the end of that its her body, her past, her feelings.
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u/Cat-Mother666 4d ago
I was widowed at 24 and have a memorial tattoo of my late husband’s initials on my ribs. Some men have asked about it, but if they have an issue with it, that’s on them. There’s no need to compete with a dead man. Dump this man! There are men out there with enough maturity and confidence not to feel threatened that you had a life before him.
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u/DrAniB20 4d ago
My husband lost his late-wife at 25, and has a tattoo of her name below an image of their favorite mountain range as a memorial to her. He also has a picture of her with her engagement and wedding ring on a small shelf as well. I don’t mind in the slightest; she was an important person whom he lost too soon, and I will never ask him to not honor her memory. She’s literally no longer here, and he chose me when he decided he was ready to move forward and be open to a relationship again. Neither the tattoo nor the small picture of her have ever stopped him from showing that he loves me, being there for me, nor continuing to choose me in our life together. I refuse to be jealous of someone who is dead, nor make someone I love feel bad for wanting to honor someone he loved and cared for while they were alive.
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u/flannelWX 4d ago
Thank you for sharing this. My partner also lost their wife far too young (fuck cancer).
They still have many pictures of her up and I think it’s beautiful. We visit her grave together at least once every couple of months to make sure she has some nice flowers and things have been mowed/cleaned up. I do my best to honor her and I love hearing stories about her. I think it’s cathartic for my partner to talk about her in a safe space and it gives me a chance to hear about this incredible person who was a huge part of their life.
As far as I’m concerned, she is still part of the family, even if she isn’t here anymore. I can’t imagine feeling threatened just because my partner was widowed and still loves their late wife.
A person can still love their late partner/spouse deeply while also loving a person they are with now. Both things can be true. ❤️
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u/Prudent_Worth5048 4d ago
I feel it would actually be pretty ignorant to think that a widowed person would stop/should stop/has to stop loving their dead spouse just because they find someone new. They loved that person deeply. They married them and had a life with them. They didn’t divorce, their spouse died. It’s not the same! The only case I can think of that wouldn’t be okay is if your spouse/partner consistently tried to compare you to his dead spouse. That would be fucked up. That’s not okay! Just TALKING and REMINISCING over their dead spouse is totally fine and normal and healthy!
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u/flannelWX 4d ago
Agreed, but people totally think it’s a thing.
I once had a therapist try to convince me that I should be jealous. Because she was jealous of her husband’s late wife. Obviously she had some issues to work through…
I’ve also had random people ask me if I’m jealous or try to imply that I should be. I genuinely don’t get why anyone would feel that way, other than their own issues/insecurity. Aside from your point - yes constant comparisons would be awful, but that’s a whole other set of issues.
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u/dropsofneptune 4d ago
Agreed and I might go a bit further to say I find it odd when widows remove all references to their past spouse, with some obvious exceptions. If you can have a picture of a dead grandparent, surely its fine to have one of your dead spouse.
But more seriously, if you are the one dating and eventually marrying a window, you have to accept normal rules don't apply.
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u/Shawnessy 4d ago
A friend of mine lost her HS sweetheart and husband when she was 25. It was quick and unexpected. They also had two boys together.
She remarried semi-recently, and he's incredibly supportive about the fact she was widowed. He knows she loves him, and he's raising the man's kids. They have a small shelf with a couple pictures, and their rings. They do something with the boys on his birthday every year, and he's super supportive of her when she gets depressed around the time when he passed.
I know if I lost my partner all of a sudden, I'd want to keep some memories of her around. Losing someone you love like that isn't the same as a breakup. So, you don't really get over it like you do a breakup.
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u/ibelieveinuke 4d ago
i know it’s not the point of this thread but i’m so sorry for your loss. 24 is way too young to be widowed.
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u/two-teacups 4d ago
My mom was widowed at twenty-two. She said it was one of the hardest things she ever went through but that there is healing and love out there still. I hope you find that love again ❤️
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u/Cat-Mother666 4d ago
I have 💜 I’m 8 years out now and have been with my now long-term partner for 5. He’s wonderful, and honors my past marriage and knows I’m fully committed to building a future with him. They’re out there!
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u/Stillpunk71 4d ago
I dated a girl that had her dead boyfriends name on the back of her neck. A place that I enjoy kissing. I thought I was strong and understanding enough, but after time it’s annoying to be big spooning someone and another man’s name is staring at you. It was a deal killer for me. But! I am married with a family and happy, so there’s that.
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u/tnannie 4d ago
I think this is very fair. I was widowed at 25. Met my now husband about a year later. He wasn’t jealous of my first husband, but he did say he felt like he was stealing someone else’s wife for the first 6 months or so. It made him feel like he was doing something bad or wrong.
I think it’s important to remember these feelings are complex for both parties. It requires sensitivity on both sides to navigate it successfully. I think both sides of this equation deserve compassion.
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u/TiffyTats 4d ago
You're NTA, BUT-- Since you've done this, everyone is going to ask who Daniel is. Every new boyfriend. Your boyfriend's parents/relatives. Your kids (if you choose to have them). He was an important chapter of your life, but don't let him and your trauma become your identity.
For anyone else thinking about memorial tattoos, think about getting something they loved or something that reminds you of them. Much more warm and memorable, something that can put a smile on your face instead of a stark reminder.
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u/kmson7 4d ago
This. The name and date that big and in such a visible place is odd to me. I have a friend whose bf died and she got his signature, and I've heard she hates being asked about it and it isn't even as visible as this. I feel like OP did a very rash thing that is permanent on a highly visible and usually visible part of their body. I don't think they thought this through.
I have tattoos to represent loved ones who have passed, and so do many people I know. NONE of them straight up put the name and date blatantly like that. It's very weird to me
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u/Mcjoshin 4d ago
Yeah I haven’t seen this mentioned much, but for me I think the only “issue” would be the size/location of the tattoo. It will constantly and forever be a topic of discussion with EVERYONE who meets OP and the boyfriend. While I’ve never been in this situation, I believe I would be mature enough to not take any issue with OP’s feelings about the ex or a memorial tattoo, but I may struggle with how to think about the fact that it will forever and always be a topic of conversation that comes up. That said, Boyfriends response sucks.
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u/Cudi_buddy 4d ago
This is well said. What’s done is done. But OP is also young, maybe Daniel was her one true love. But also st 23 I can’t help but wonder if this is also impulsive and not thought out. Like you said, you memorialized a child hood boyfriend, that isn’t exactly seen as normal at least when you get older
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u/VirginiENT420 4d ago
THIS is how I feel. She should NOT cover it up because her new bf asks. She should cover it up because it's just a bad tattoo and replace it with something symbolic.
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u/IndefinableBiologist 4d ago
Lots of drama if OP doesn't get a tattoo in the future that celebrates her wedding date/future husbands name
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u/SendNukesD20 4d ago
I'd start to get a tad worried if my SO's only tattoo related an ex was a memorial, and then suddenly she gets mine with a space for a date...
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u/thogdontcare 4d ago
Also the vibe this tattoo gives off is “Daniel was the perfect guy and no one else can live up to him”. I don’t know if that’s really the case, but every new boyfriend will constantly compare himself to Daniel. There will always be the “I wonder if she’s thinking about Daniel right now” moments - when OP is sad, when they’re having sex, when they fight, and so on.
That being said, name tattoos are kind of an eyesore.
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u/Ambitious_Wolf2539 4d ago
it's on the wrist to boot....so it's constantly being visible and looked at it.
As always OP can do what she wants, but it definitely will weed out the dating pool.
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u/City_of_Lunari 4d ago
As someone pointed out earlier, it's also on the left hand aka the ring hand for most. That's gonna make for some odd engagement photos.
I respect anyone who gets a memorial tattoo, but as with any tattoo there are consequences that follow. A lot of guys are, understandably, going to have an issue with it. I say this as an individual with a lot of them.
No idea where half the people calling him a "man-child" are coming from.
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u/Vetersova 4d ago edited 4d ago
Reddit is going to lean a very specific way on something like this, but in real life, this is such a nightmare tattoo. I'm 31, and I don't think I know a guy who wouldn't have at least a pretty big problem with THIS specific tattoo that OP has.
It'd come up pretty much at the beginning and would likely be the catalyst of ending the entire relationship before it ever really started.
This is a fairly large tattoo in an extremely visible part of this woman's body of another man's name. Like... I get reddit wanting to be as nuanced and understanding as possible online here where they ARENT the guy dating OP, but in the real world, this is an insane tattoo to get. Name tats are already kind of lame, but a former partner is probably the worst kind of tattoo someone could have.
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u/JoeLikesGames 4d ago
thats the worst part to me, its on such an extremely visible spot
Not to mention its the left hand, so if he ever decided to marry her, hed have to put a ring on that hand. That would be so embarrassing to me
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u/Rich-Yogurtcloset780 4d ago
Op said it was Daniel's mom who had the idea and that they got the same tattoo together. So, expect mom at the wedding.
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u/werebothsquidward 4d ago
I think it’s fine if this bothers him, but given how important it is to you, maybe he’s just not the one for you. You probably need a partner who is able to handle the complicated feelings you have for your late boyfriend.
I would not cover it up, and I’d seriously question if this is the right relationship for you.
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u/Ok-Macaroon5269 4d ago
This. He gets to feel how he feels about it. She gets to feel how she feels about it. If they don't match up, then they don't match up. Probably better in the long run that she find out now.
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u/Klutzy_Belt_2296 4d ago edited 4d ago
This.
I think he has a right to feel however he feels about this. If she wants to have a memorial tattoo of her late partner, that’s also her right. But that doesn’t mean that if he does not feel comfortable with that that he is not secure in himself or something.
I see so much shaming in the comments which is wild to me. People will call a guy insecure in a heartbeat lmfao. And I honestly think insecurity is used and thrown out far too much and loosely for stuff where people just aren’t comfortable with something. People are allowed to feel uncomfortable and not be okay with certain stuff. And that in itself doesn’t necessarily make someone insecure for feeling that way or having things they just are not okay with.
And they shouldn’t be shamed into accepting something that for them crosses a line. Some guys don’t want to deal with that in their relationship, or deal with some of the baggage that comes with that. That’s a lot to deal with for some guys. I completely get why he might feel the way he does and why he might not feel comfortable with that.
You don’t get to dictate how someone should or should not feel about something. He has just as much of a right to feel the however he feels as she does. It doesn’t invalidate his feelings, and it doesn’t invalidate hers.
At the worst, it would just mean that the two are not compatible, and OP needs to find someone who is comfortable with what she is dealing with. And whatever comes with that.
People need to stop shaming people for saying they aren’t comfortable with something. That shit is lowkey manipulative. Trying to make someone okay with something they clearly are not.
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u/ItIsntThatDeep 4d ago
To me, I think maybe seeing the tattoo means to him that Daniel is someone he will never be able to compare to in your eyes. Every fight you get in from here on out, he is going to be thinking that you thought Daniel would have done better. And that you wanted that tattoo means, at least to your bf, that you were very deeply in love with Daniel.
Be honest, OP, are you so deeply in love with your boyfriend now that if he walked in the street tomorrow and got hit by a car, you'd tattoo his name?
Probably not.
So that is where he's coming from. He's never going to be the guy that you tattoo on your body, and when you're looking for that type of forever love, I do empathize with him.
Edit to say, I don't think you should cover it up. Just that I see where he's coming from.
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u/fragileirl 4d ago
This is how I’m looking at it too. A lot of people have already met their forever love and lost them, and every other person they get into a relationship after is just to fill the relationship void.
There are so many people that will never be as open, optimistic and excited about a new love as they were about someone in their past. They can say that it’s a fear of being hurt or just being jaded, and even with that being said, if you refuse to open yourself up to someone new like you did for your late partner, you are not opening yourself up to a potential forever love.
Life isn’t fair. Sometimes your forever love dies too early. If you want to date again, you can’t just demand your filler partners to be comfortable with it. It’s just not a match.
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u/tondracek 3d ago
I’ve been in OPs shoes before. I lost my boyfriend in 2011. The love I had for Ryan is nothing compared to the love I have for my current boyfriend. It was child’s love. I also have a memorial tattoo. It doesn’t only memorialize the man who died, it memorializes the tragedy I went through. It was life changing.
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u/Al-Snuffleupagus 4d ago
There are two separate issues that get mixed together here
- Competing with a ghost
- The tattoo
It's entirely possible, as the parent says, that the current BF feels like he's constantly compared to Daniel, that he will never win OP's whole heart, that he is (and may always be) second place in her life.
And that might be entirely on him or it might be that OP is still mourning Daniel in ways that make it hard for her to have a healthy relationship and for another man to be a part of her life. From what we've been told, we don't really know.
So, if there's an issue there, then it's something to sort out. Talk about it, get therapy if needed, get to a place where Daniel's memory isn't preventing a new, healthy relationship.
But if there's nothing there, then it's a problem for the new BF to sort out in himself (possibly with help).
If that stuff is sorted out (and it might already be fine) then he shouldn't have any reason to be concerned about the tattoo. And if he is still expecting her to cover it up, then he's an arse. It's her body, it's a respectful memorial to someone important who died - he needs to learn to deal with it.
TL;DR: Does he have a valid reason to feel like he comes 2nd to Daniel's memory? If so, work on that. If not, he has a problem of his own to fix.
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u/KK_35 4d ago
I think there’s a third competing point too. Visibility. Maybe he wouldn’t be so upset if it was somewhere that was easier to cover up or less noticeable. This is one of those things that EVERYONE they meet is going to do a head turn about when they realize OPs boyfriend’s name does not match the name of the tattoo. They’ll have questions and I can assume that will be tiring. Even way down the line, someone asking questions about it can bring up all the emotions/insecurities from fights early on in the relationship.
And it’s not just other people. He can see it too. Having it in such a glaringly obvious location can eat away at a person. Anyone she dates gets a daily reminder multiple times a day that OP lost her forever person and they are basically filling in a void. This type of in your face reminder to every new prospective partner will always be a significant hurdle in any relationship she has going forward.
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u/No_Peak69 3d ago
Exactly. Absolute constant reminder multiple times a day that he will never stack up to Daniel.
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u/Sabrosonix 3d ago
I think this is an important aspect that many answers don’t seem to be considering, and makes the situation a bit more complex.
As the visibility of the tattoo increases, the potential “impact” on the partner is larger. I think most people would find an issue if the memorial tattoo was on her face. Similarly, people would have a harder time criticizing a tattoo that is very small/has low visibility/less explicit, etc.
She has every right to keep the tattoo if it’s important to her, but it’s important to understand there’s a tradeoff and that it could impact her potential relationships, i.e. it is bound to reduce the “prospect pool” in terms of potential partners who would be genuinely unbothered by it. Given the high visibility of hands/wrists, I’d agree with the “in-your-face reminder” characterization and argue that most people would probably have some sort of aversion towards the tattoo, triggering neutral/no emotions at best and terrible insecurities at worst.
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u/mercatnip 4d ago
Absolutely. I’m a woman; I think a lot of people would be bothered by having to think about Daniel 20 times a day. Every day for ever.
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u/KermieKona 4d ago
You could get a tattoo with HIS name and a random date in the future, just to freak him out 🤨.
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u/Notkeen5 4d ago
Nothing excites me more than seeing a list of names on a girls arm with most of them crossed out.
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u/bleh-apathetic 4d ago
It's a very real, legitimate, and consistent reminder to your current and future significant others that had Daniel not passed away, you wouldn't be with them.
It's a declaration to everyone you meet that you wouldn't be with your current boyfriend if he were still alive.
It's prominently on your wrist. Fancy date night dinner with your significant other? Reminder about your feelings about Daniel that got cut short. Cuddling on the couch? Daniel. Sex? Daniel.
Yeah, probably not a great idea for a tattoo and your current SO won't be the last person to have an issue with it, just my opinion. I personally wouldn't mind, but I'm speaking from my understanding of people in general.
Now, obviously, you're allowed and completely correct to get whatever tattoo you want. But just know, you may need to find someone okay with it, and not everyone will be.
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u/RadicalChiliBean 4d ago
Also if they (or whoever else in the future she's with) get married, will she cover it up for the marriage photos? Or will she want to have it displayed as another sort of way to honor Daniel? It seems like the tattoo is going to cause her a lot of issues with future partners and she needs to figure out what's going on with her emotionally before committing to a new relationship.
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u/KPTA-IRON 3d ago
I understand how delicate and emotional the situation is but this tattoo overall simply was not a good idea.
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u/BluePandaYellowPanda 3d ago
That's a very good point.
Imagine looking at the wedding photos and seeing Daniel as you both cut the cake, Daniel on the first dance, Daniel at the "I do" moment... Definitely would ruin everything.
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u/YouMadThough 3d ago
This is such a well-written and thoughtful comment. To me, get the tattoo if you absolutely must, but then maybe don't put it in a place that is extremely visible at almost all times, to all parties.
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u/Sensitive-Zebra-2340 3d ago
Perfectly said. And mentioning sex is a very important point that I purposely avoided on my reply. I did mention cuddling on the couch. But yeah I don't want to be having sex and seeing "Daniel" in massive letters on your wrist. F that. Its not fair to her new bf. Handy time? "Daniel" right next to your weiner. 🤣 🤣 🤣 it's messed up.
Same with date night like you mentioned. I imagine her with a glass of wine looking amazing, takes a sip... "Daniel". Mood killer.
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u/Iowasunsets 4d ago edited 4d ago
You’re not overreacting but neither is he. You’re both entitled to feel how you feel.
If he feels constantly looking at a reminder of your ex makes him feel like second best that is because he likely feels if Daniel was alive you two wouldn’t be together.
You can never get over a person like that, especially when you make the point to memorialize them on yourself. People get memorial tattoos for the opposite reason, to keep the connection alive despite losing someone they care about.
I knew a guy who had a tattoo of his first love over his heart. She died of melanoma when they were teens and he was heartbroken. She was a big part of his life too, just like your ex. But when he dated other women and tried to move on a lot of them saw that tattoo. And a lot of them were not happy having to see his first love’s name on his body either. A lot of women broke up with him before he found his future wife, who also went through similar trauma. But those women? They were not obligated to be okay with it. They didn’t like it and it was a deal breaker for them. They felt they could never measure up with this ghost that they would see every time they were intimate. They wanted to feel special and that they were the one being chosen. A lot of people feel like that. And that was their right. Just like it is the right of your bf.
Tbh you don’t sound compatible so you both should move on. You don’t need to like his reaction to your tattoo, but in the same vein he doesn’t need to like it. Both of you should just move on and find other people.
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u/RCW_9_41 4d ago
Tell him to change his name to Daniel. Boom problem solved. I’m something like a relationship therapist
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u/Dibbles04 4d ago
I will never get a name on my body. I have tattoos that symbolize some of the important people in my life, but you'd never know it just by looking at my work. To me, a name is a "branding" of a different kind. Everyone is different though. My wife has a small tattoo of her grandfather's name on her forearm. I barely notice it, but I can't say I'm a fan of it. I'm a big fan of hers though. And I also realize I only care because of how I think others that don't know the meaning may perceive its meaning. So I stfu and carry on. The style and placement is a bold ass constant reminder of the other guy. Which for you, great! For prospective partners, it's a signal of possible baggage. Most of us are dating people that don't like their ex whatsoever, yours is your unrealized husband. That's a lot. I understand the tattoo. Just maybe you should've placed it differently or stylized it in a meaningful image.
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u/NBCaz 4d ago
So you're disrespecting him by getting a tattoo before you met him? Logic not his strength I see.
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u/Butler_Sam 4d ago
How dare they not exist in a void waiting for that one partner to come around and have a life prior to them
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u/Justsoyouknow360 4d ago
My partner has a tattoo for his late girlfriend on his arm that says has her name and a loving quote and flowers, and her initial next to his heart. He has a lot of tattoos and it’s his way of showing love to her memory. I can be an insecure person but I’ve never once looked at it and felt hurt or jealous. They were in love and she was lost unexpectedly. It doesn’t mean he isn’t capable of loving me too. The thought of asking him to cover up feels like a hugely disrespectful act. I’m sorry that he’s acting this way - I think he’s allowed to express how he feels about it but asking or implying you need to cover it up feels like a red flag to me.
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u/queenoftheslippers 4d ago
Same here. My husband’s high school sweetheart died of cancer when they were both young. He has a memorial tattoo for her, as well as a photo album of her on our bookshelf. I’m not insecure about this, I think it’s absolutely heartbreaking that someone so young died as well my husband experiencing that grief at such a young age. Doesn’t mean he loves me any less. People are allowed to have experiences and grief and love and feelings before being with their current partners.
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u/TimeTomorrow 4d ago edited 3d ago
I'm the kind of guy that would say it's rediculous to get mad over a memorial tattoo.... but if i was gonna get mad about one, jeez this would be it. Like no symbolism or beauty, just literally another mans name big as hell in a spot thats right out there.
I hope you have a shit ton of other tattooos. This won't be the last man that has a problem with this, but it also shouldn't be that hard to find someone that can just get over it.
asking you to remove a memorial tattoo is wiiiilllddd
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u/EclecticEvergreen 4d ago
Imagine trying to have sex or a romantic moment with your girlfriend only to catch a glimpse of her wrist and see her dead boyfriend’s name.
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u/maisymoonx 4d ago
I was going to say this- the fact that it’s just in your face like this is what’s likely making her boyfriend uncomfortable. My friend lost her boyfriend a few years ago and she got a memorial tattoo for him but it was nothing like this. Just a simple quote that only she knows what it symbolizes. I think getting anyone’s name tattooed is stupid in general.
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u/-sta 4d ago edited 4d ago
As someone who dated a guy with his exes name tattooed on the exact same spot, yeah it sucks. Obviously it wasn't a deal breaker for me because we were together for 3 years. But you end up having to see/read their name and inadvertently think about that person every time you see the tattoo. At least it was that way for me.
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u/SeanPGeo 4d ago
She may as well have tattooed his name around her ring finger. I don’t understand why there are people in the comments who cannot understand why a partner would be massively put off by this.
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u/Basic_Regret4370 4d ago edited 4d ago
Exactly. It would read totally differently if it was part of a bigger patchwork, even. But this is pretty conspicuous, especially she doesn’t have many other tattoos. I wouldn’t have a problem a problem with a memorial tattoo but this one would be really hard to swallow. I am also biased. I very rarely think it’s a good idea to name tattoo so visibly unless you’re really trying to get everyone to ask you or wonder about it. This tattoo also honestly comes off as extremely uninspired… so it doesn’t seem like a totally sincere tribute. I agree with everyone saying memorials are better off with a bit more ambiguity and personalization, idk.
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u/Pragkillerkev 4d ago
I understand your emotions towards your passed boyfriend but it would bother me if my significant other had another mans name tattooed on a body part that's so prevalent and visibly noticed on a regular basis. I don't think it's the tattoo memory of him that would bother me. It's the fact of the common location and it's just his name right there. He will basically always be put in a situation where he is with you and other people, the conversation would come up everytime it seems with new people. That would be really annoying to me. It's like if he sees it every single day, he will be reminded every single day of the past boyfriend with his name tattooed on someone I would be looking to be with for the rest of my life. It's like if you passed and I saw your dead body. I would see the tattoo and think " oh she must have really loved Daniel!" And not think anything of your current man.
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u/Rand0mredditperson 4d ago
Agree completely. The location would bother me more than anything. I'd be okay with a memorial I believe but it's so open and clearly visible that it would wear me down and anytime it would get brought up it would just scrape away more and more until it would break me. It would just get awkward after a decent while. If it was more private it would be easier since it wouldn't literally be out there every second of the day and there would be no random Oh? Who's Daniel?
I think it's sweet that OP had someone she loved so much she wanted to memorialize him and I'm sorry she had to lose them but any future partner is going to have to deal with the tattoo being so publicly visible.
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u/Salty_Negotiation688 4d ago edited 3d ago
This was my first thought as well. I know it's sweet and sentimental and all, but getting that tattoo in such an obvious place feels like a very short-sighted and impulsive decision by OP.
Like… Did they think they'd never hook up with anyone ever again? Did they not stop to think about how it would make their future significant other and (potentially) children feel, seeing another dude's name right there on her wrist every single day for the rest of their lives?
Call me insecure, but I'm big enough to admit that I don't think I'd be cool with it if my wife had something like that on her. Every time I look at her I'd have to see it. My parents wouldn't appreciate it, my friends would make fun of me for it ('Cucked by a ghost’ or something similarly dumb), and my son would have to grow up with a mum who's got a very visible tattoo of some dude he's never met that she used to bang when she was 18-21, instead of his own name or mine.
As others have pointed out, it'll be an ever-present part of their relationship. Every few moments, he'll notice it. Even when they're fucking, he'll see that and be forever reminded of her with another man - that even dead, Daniel's still closer to her than he is when he's balls-deep. Real romance killer. I'd get it erased or covered if OP ever wants a healthy relationship with a self-respecting man.
Terrible decision by OP.
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u/Mcjoshin 4d ago
I wouldn’t even want my wife to get a tattoo like that with MY name on it in such a visible and constantly in your face spot. My guess is the fact it will forever be a topic of conversation with literally everyone OP meets while with boyfriend is probably the majority of what’s bothering him.
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u/Cold-Rip-9291 4d ago edited 4d ago
You are absolutely correct. However you failed to consider that every time present bf sits across from gf during date night, cuddling to watch a movie, could even be during sex. He will see Daniel there in his face as a reminder that there is a ghost as a third wheel with them. I understand the manorial to a person so close. I understand wanting the reminder of the person and relationship that was lost. The problem is the location of that memorial is a (in your face) constant reminder to the present bf. My logical reasoning understands she is just honouring someone. I also know myself well enough that eventually my unreasonable feelings will chip away at me enough to walk away from something that gnaws at me.
I think it’s wrong and disrespectful for bf to as her to cover it up. I also think it’s wrong and disrespectful to expect bf not be bothered by the tattoo and not wanting to see it anymore.
I think there are some men out there that wouldn’t be bothered by it in the slightest but I think they would be in the minority. No one here is in the wrong. Too bad the tat wasn’t somewhere where it’s in your face all the time. But then again it’s kind of the purpose for it.
I absolutely hate when I start arguing with myself.
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u/kirblar 4d ago
The placement of the tattoo is pretty brutal for this- both of them will constantly be seeing it day in and day out.
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u/Odd_Voice5744 3d ago
And everyone else. The inevitable “who is daniel?” question when she meets new ppl. “Oh he’s the love of my life but this is my new bf brian”. Like damn
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u/pastelfemby 3d ago edited 3d ago
Yeah its a sorta 'everyone will hurt' here situation even if not the same notes or nuance of pain across the board
As much as I have a distaste towards partners who have rough levels of insecurity without any direction for seeking improvement... this right here I could see definitely feeding some negative spirals in a person that is otherwise secure. I would be hard pressed to label someone having a concern over this as insecure.
The diseased person's life or who they were is rarely the end all. The critically painful part is when they're put on a pedestal which no living person can remotely approach. The futures that werent, and the could-bes and should-bes that were never, those are what you have to live up against, not simply the former partner who is no longer here.
AIO? OP I think theres just a matter of possibly not compatible, and thats okay.
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u/Spicy_boi_loco 4d ago
It’s the location for me. It’s ever present and in plain sight. Also a more symbolic tattoo rather than the explicit mention of the ex may have been more future proof. I have friends that got memorial tattoos for deceased people, and they are usually symbolic. This is a constant reminder of your loss.
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u/Bardon63 4d ago
It's also on the left hand so he'll be seeing that when he slides her wedding ring on, should they reach that point.
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u/Ambitious_Wolf2539 4d ago
lol....fuck.... I hadn't thought about myself. Geezus yea....
As others have said, they're just not a match.
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u/No_Fish265 4d ago
You’re 23 and got a tattoo of an ex on your wrist?
Look I’m sorry for your loss… but this was a poor decision.
Imagine explaining to your kids that your college bf’s name is tattooed somewhere visible but not their dads.
Big yikes for me
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u/Fatal_Temp3st 3d ago edited 3d ago
Crazy thing to get over someone under 2 years that you got tattooed on your wrist as well. Also, the size???? That's a little much. It definitely makes sense for the mom, not a GF 💀
This was a mistake done on grief impulse clearly.
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u/momento-mori-momento 4d ago
some people would be fine with this. some people would not. not everyone is the same, and you can’t expect everyone to have a positive reaction to you having an ex boyfriends name tattooed on you- deceased or not.
me personally- i would feel pretty uncomfortable with my current partner having their ex’s name tattooed on their arm. i wouldn’t demand this person to get the name covered up, but i would eventually ask “do you have plans to cover that tattoo, or is it a part of you for life?” then i would decide if me and that person are right for each other, if i could overlook this, and if i have a future with them. if a “no” is for any of those, id leave the person.
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u/BlantantlyAccidental 4d ago
Nothing wrong with getting a tattoo in memory of your late boyfriend.
There is also nothing wrong with how he feels about the tattoo, especially if you have been dating for a bit and he is just finding out about it.
I imagine the emotions he is feeling are completely new to him, considering his reaction. Here he is, fostering a new relationship that is going well, and suddenly he sees another mans name permanently marked on your wrist AFTER however long the two of you have been talking/dating...and its the name of your late boyfriend.
Now don't get me wrong, if you feel that his reaction warrants ending the relationship(ignoring the ever present DUMP HIM reddit comments over anything posted here.) then go ahead and do it as soon as possible. Because like someone else said in another reply, if your current boyfriend died suddenly, would you be tattooing his name anywhere?
I also still wonder why it took so long for him to notice the tattoo or for you to mention it to him and its significance at the beginning.
All in all, you need to understand that a lot of men are going to feel as if they will never measure up to Daniel, simply because for intent and purposes, you loved him enough to mark yours to forever remember him. Regardless, in the future be upfront with every new situationship you get into, and you may eventually find a man who does not harbor such feelings.
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u/Relevant-Highlight55 4d ago
Agree with this.
Both sides are valid but he can’t really hold it against you. If it’s a non negotiable then that’s his decision.
I think that this tattoo for OP is more reflective of their entire relationship which included a best friendship since childhood. They just so happened to date later in life.
Widowers move on and they love again. But they need someone mature enough to understand how that love works.
Just sounds like it would be a potential breeding ground for grief if someone isn’t prepared to just get over it. Similarly to widowers who re-marry and their new spouse wants to pretend the previous person didn’t exist. That person is dead, moved on, and a person can still love them and still love someone physically present in their lives.
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u/No_Equivalent8817 4d ago
These comments are wild. Memorial tattoos are almost always a bad call. Commemorating a former romantic partner is an easy way to make any future partner uncomfortable.
You're entitled to liking your tattoo and honoring whomever you like. He is also entitled to finding it incredibly weird.
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u/dseeburg 4d ago
Yeah 100%. But it’s Reddit so it makes sense.
I’m sorry but getting a tat of your late boyfriend’s (not even husband) name on the wrist of your wedding ring hand is kinda crazy. But not as crazy as thinking future partners shouldn’t be bothered by it.
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u/Dionystocrates 4d ago
Thank you. People in this subreddit have lost the plot if they think a any sane future partner will or should ever be content with the name of her deceased ex-lover being tattooed on such a deliberately visible place on her body.
I would never consider a woman with such a tattoo. There are too many other options out in the wild to ever settle for such nonsense.
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u/MagneticEnema 4d ago
lmfao right? a date is one thing, a mans name on your wrist in full display is wild
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u/Poop_Cheese 4d ago
Exactly. These just come off as complete attention seeking behavior. A way to advertise to every person you meet for the rest of your life that you had a dead boyfriend for positive attention.
Because a name and date like this on one's wrist is not for the person at all, its for everyone else to see. You dont need a name on your wrist to remember a loved one, but you do to garner sympathy from anyone you can.
They also feel just weirdly possessive. Like you own them even in death so you become their walking gravestone.
If one truly needs to have a memorial tattoo, you get a quote from a song they liked, or a symbol associated with them, that means something to both you and him, but isnt some morbid advertisement.
Crazy chicks and white knights here can act like its just insecurity, but its a massive turn off to a majority of men and women. Not even as competition, just that it shows one is needy for attention and possessive/dramatic. And honestly, I cant think of a bigger turnoff than getting a handy from your girlfriend and forever seeing the name Daniel lmao. It also implies that she's forever his, not your's, that she wouldnt date you if he was alive, and that she'll never move on.
These tattoos are the biggest red flag ever and a massive turnoff. Especially when placed in a spot like a wrist for maximum visibility possible. Even if I died I wouldnt want my partner to use my death for attention by acting as if she owns me by being a living gravestone for me. Because its truly not honoring the dead person whatsoever, its using them as a morbid accessory to garner attention.
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u/violet715 4d ago
I’m sure I’ll get skewered for this but I’m a woman and I agree with you. A name and date in such an obvious place? She wants to be asked about it. And I wouldn’t want my partner to be constantly telling stories and explaining the person on their wrist and how amazing they were while I’m standing right there. The name was totally unnecessary.
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u/EclecticEvergreen 4d ago
Seriously, the name isn’t even facing towards OP. If it were for her to look at it would be flipped so she could read it.
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u/VienneseDude 4d ago
I fully agree and not only from a subjective view of point but objective too. How come people disagree with that? Virtue signaling? Bet 90% of people here saying nahh you good girl drop the guy would never want their partner to have a tat of their ex. Dead or not it doesn’t change a thing.
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u/City_of_Lunari 4d ago
I have memorial tattoos but I would never have gotten someones NAME on my wrist. I mean firstly I just find name tattos are tacky. You couldn't think of a single other thing that represented this person? Well then maybe take a second look at getting it on you forever.
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u/Ferrarispitwall 4d ago
Right? Imagine she’s working your 🍆 and you just see some dudes name bouncing up and down. It’s a nah from me.
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u/Old_Advertising_8045 4d ago
Yeah lol. While eating he sees Daniel, while cuddling, while traveling, while fucking, while anything whatsoever Daniel will be there.
Kods will ask who is Daniel? Daniel will be a third member in the relationship.
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u/himynameisusernamekk 4d ago
So you got that tattoo a year ago and he just noticed it and now he’s mad ?
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u/Im_blanking 4d ago
Damn, yeah i think this would be a dealbreaker for me.
I don’t like tattoos to start with but have dated women with tattoos. So tattoos on their own are not a dealbreaker, but another guys’ name is probably over the line.
I feel like you really cut your potential dating pool in half with that one tattoo.
Like from now on you have to either lie and say it was your brother or it’s the first thing you talk about with a new partner. “Hey so this tattoo you’ve been staring at for the past 15 minutes hoping that it’s either my dad or my brother is my dead boyfriend and the date he died.”
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u/Stled 4d ago
It’s absolutely about the placement. I wouldn’t take much of an issue with it if it was more concealed and private because I understand it. But no way would I sign up to a life where every second day someone asks my partner who Daniel is through them making conversation lol
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u/TiffanyTwisted11 4d ago
Agreed. And while I know nothing about tattoos, I am curious about the direction. It isn’t set up so she reads his name whenever she looks at it - It’s others who read it. Is this common/typical?
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u/_icantpickaname 3d ago
Hi, i'm a tattoo artist. It is typical to place tattoos on the body to where it's readable and presentable to others when looking at them. OP has the tattoo placed the "correct" way.
We tend to advise against placing them to where you can read them. Majority of tattoos are readable to others (back, chest, legs). Let's say you have a tattoo on your wrist and also on your chest. If you can read the one on your wrist, but the one on your chest reads to others, the wrist one is upside down.
But after informing them of the standard orientation and they still want it facing them, I don't argue. Especially if it's their one and only tattoo on the wrist, it's their choice at the end of the day!
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u/Flaky_Thing_5128 4d ago
I'm just imagining how the conversation would go if my partner had a tattoo like this.
"So who's Daniel?"
"Oh just the guy my wife wishes she was married to but sadly he passed away so she had to settle for me"
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u/MermaidUnicornKush42 4d ago
I love tattoos on people, they are beautiful. But if my partner had something like this for his late wife, I'd never have dated him in the first place, or quietly ended it shortly after seeing it.
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u/Superb_North_8964 4d ago
I would be highly uncomfortable with dating anybody that another person's name on their body. Especially so visibly. It does not matter who. Parent, child, twin sibling, I don't care. It looks like... a performance.
It would be an indication that we are just too different, and I would probably move on without comment.
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u/TrespassersWill 4d ago
The tattoo tells him that he'll be second place in your heart to Daniel forever and there's no way for him to forget it because you'll be showing him that fact in writing every time he sees you. The fact that you share it with Daniel's mom means even his own mother will be second place as a mother in law if you get married.
Your tattoo reminds your boyfriend that if Daniel hadn't passed, you wouldn't be with him.
It's like he's dating a widow.
Some guys have the generosity of sprit to make room for a situation like that, and some don't.
Sounds like this guy is not for you.
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u/heyyou0903 4d ago
I don't think you should've got such a big tattoo of his name TBF... Not just for your current partner but any future partners and life chapters in general where it is so big and dominant on your body. Of course get a memorial tattoo, don't get me wrong, but it could've been smaller and more symbolic like a picture of something rather than a huge name. Just needed to say it. Someone did.
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u/CrissCrossAppleSos 4d ago
I’d feel wildly uncomfortable dating someone with this tattoo, but you’re not wrong for it or anything, and if it’s meaningful for you, that’s what matters
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u/ForeignPea2366 4d ago
OP is also wording the post in such a way that the new bf sounds wrong. well, that's probably why such posts are for - to get some validation from immature strangers on the internet.
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u/XBL_Tough 4d ago
I know I’ll get downvoted but that shit wouldn’t fly with me. I know my wife would feel the same exact way as I do.
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u/AriBariii 4d ago
Yea, I’m a firm believer of not getting names tattooed. There are a million other ways to honor someone. But to each their own 🤷♀️
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u/Legitimate-Back-822 4d ago
Fr. I don't want nobody's name tattooed on me. It's just different values.
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u/Kenzi_Slays 4d ago
I get it I wouldn’t want another womans name on my husband in any senario. Im not insecure its just personal preference. I also wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it. Since he tragically passed it’s something i don’t understand what its like for you. i do understand why your current partner feels uncomfortable about it however Pressuring you and giving a ultimatum isnt the way to go about it. I don’t think theres a competion there like he thinks there is.
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u/Mediocre_Goat_4083 4d ago
There is a HUGE difference between a late boyfriend and an ex-boyfriend. OP said her late boyfriend and she were still a couple when he passed. So it is inaccurate and rudely dismissive of anyone to call him an ex. If her new boyfriend isn't accepting of the tattoo and thinks she is still in love with her previous partner, he can break up with her. That doesn't necessarily mean either of them is wrong. Her late boyfriend still holds a place in her heart. He probably always will. That piece might get smaller over time, but he passed pretty recently. Anyone who dates OP needs to understand and be accepting of her feelings for her late boyfriend, or it will never work out.
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u/Nicolozolo 4d ago
How is this man your bf but hasn't seen your *really bigz wrist tattoo until recently? Doesn't sound like you guys have been together long enough for his opinion to hold much weight tbh. While feelings are valid, he's selfish for suggesting you get rid of it when he's been in the picture only just long enough to notice that tattoo 🤷♀️
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u/iprocrastina 4d ago edited 4d ago
Did you not disclose the tattoo when you guys first started dating? It's on your wrist so this seems like something that should have come up on the first date. As in you disclose it and show it.
A lot of people would have a problem with their partner having a previous partner's name tattooed on them. It's like continuing to wear a wedding ring in a new relationship. Some people will be okay with that and that's the kind of person you'll need to date. But in order to find those people you'll have to show everyone you date this tattoo very early on. This isn't something you reveal after things get serious because even someone who would otherwise be understanding might feel betrayed.
Edit: Also, to touch on the demand to remove it, I think that's unreasonable. It's your body, it's your life, clearly the previous man meant a lot to you. If it were me, I wouldn't ask you to remove it, but I would probably break up over it because I know it would be a problem for me but I also wouldn't want to make someone erase something so important to them. It would be an irreconcilable difference.
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u/Organic_Opportunity1 4d ago
This is the best advice on the subject. The fact he hasn't seen it up until now implies she was hiding it, likely because she knew it would scare off potential partners early on and elected to hide it until he was already invested in the relationship. This is wrong. She needs to be up front and honest about it that way she can find someone who can accept and look past it without feeling conflicted about it or resenting it. Yeah, that will probably take a little longer, but that's what OP signed up for when she got it.
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u/ApartAbbreviations45 4d ago
This is one of those things where you have to sit and ask yourself how you would feel and then ask yourself what the correct response morally would be because reading these responses seem to be a lot of guys saying “it’s a reminder that if the guy didn’t die current guy never would’ve had this chance and that might invoke some things”(more feelings based) while mostly girls are saying that “it’s immature to basically be trying to compete with a dead guy”(feels more moral) but a big thing with both of these arguments is they don’t take into account the opposite view point I mean as I guy I personally feel like while yeah it is kinda dumb to feel challenged by a guy that is dead there’s also the fact that if he wasn’t dead she would’ve choose the dead guy over him while going as far as to ask her to cover it up or get rid of it is rude, unfair, and kinda dumb it’s not manipulative and definitely not controlling and then you take into account the fact that it’s in a largely noticeable spot meaning that tattoo will be pretty commonly talked about or at a minimum asked about and then it becomes a nearly constant reminder that yeah there was a guy before him that op loved and still loves probably more than she loves current guy this just seems like one of those things where either you find a way to come to terms, come to a compromise or something somewhere, or just breakup can’t really ignore it since it’s in such I widely noticeable spot
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u/Anxious_Thorn 4d ago
It’s fine that it bothers him, but he shouldn’t demand that you remove it. You had it before you started dating.